


Before You Go

by Bumble_Bee_Be



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: College, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, chosen family, i never know what to put here im sorry, protective!bell, toxic!abby, toxic!finn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:33:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25482457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bumble_Bee_Be/pseuds/Bumble_Bee_Be
Summary: Bellamy and Octavia are Clarke's family. Simple as that. They have been since she was 5 years old. And now, a sophomore in college, nothing has changed. Until everything starts to.-I'm sorry I'm really not great at summaries yikes. Basically it's a Bellarke college au, Finn's a dick, Bellamy is protective and great, Clarke has some self-image issues, chosen family trumps blood. I honestly don't even know ngl. I'm making it up as I go, but it will have fluff and angst and a few more serious things, but it's fun to write so here you go :)-Title from Lewis Capaldi's Before You Go because I love it
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Bryan/Nathan Miller, Clarke Griffin/Wells Jaha, Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Jasper Jordan/Maya Vie, John Murphy/Raven Reyes, Monty Green/Harper McIntyre, Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 113
Kudos: 203





	1. Author's Note

Ok so I started this story pretty much directly after coming up with the idea, so I don't have a solid idea of where it's going yet, but I _do_ know that I am LOVING writing it, so we'll just see what happens. The first couple chapters are pretty much just going to be introducing the characters (my version of them) and the story. It'll be kind of slow at first, but it'll speed up I promise. I post daily on my Instagram account, @the_100_au_. I hope you like it as much as I love writing it!


	2. let my walls come down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically just introducing everyone and the current relationships going on. Pretty short and boring but it'll speed up soon! Going to aim for weekly updates, but we'll see. Let me know what you think in the comments!

Clarke sighs heavily, propping her chin up on her hand. Her eyelids drop and she shoots a glance at the clock. 2:17 am. Clarke groans and stretches her arms above her head, her back cracking as she bends from side to side. Her test is at 10, which means she has less than 8 hours to sleep. So, she closes her textbook and grabs her purse off the table, pushing back her chair and standing up.

She’s often wondered if the 24-hour library was a blessing or a curse, as it makes it insanely easy to get carried away late into the night- or very early morning- reading. On the other hand, it’s a quiet place she can escape to on nights when her roommates are especially crazy. She grins at the thought of them. Clarke and Octavia have been practically inseparable since kindergarten, quickly enveloping Monty and Jasper, who refer to themselves as Jonty now, into their group come 7th grade. Then, in high school they met Raven. And that was their group. 

They couldn’t believe it when they all got accepted to Arkadia University, where Octavia and Clarke had planned on attending since the 4th grade, partially because of how close it is to their hometown. Raven and Jonty had decided to apply as well. When they were accepted, Raven almost didn’t go. That was, until she discovered that Becca Franco, her idol, was a Ark U alumni. That sealed the deal. Ark U was the only school that both Jasper and Monty got accepted into, so there was no real choice there for them.

Raven, Octavia, and Clarke all applied for a room together, and were granted exactly that. Since the dorms at Ark U are coed, Jonty somehow managed to get the room right across from the girls. Since each dorm is meant for three, the boys were supposed to have someone else with them, but their third roommate took one step inside the dorm and saw Jasper, hamster in hand, trying to connect a maze of plastic tubes together in an effort to make Tube City,  _ The Office _ style. He had turned around and requested a transfer. Finn, the Junior dorm parent, had decided to let the boys have their own room after that. 

So they had a new group- Clarke, Raven, Jasper, Monty, Octavia, and occasionally Finn. That was a year ago. Now, two weeks into sophomore year, they were getting readjusted to college life after a summer of lounging by the pool at Clarke’s mom’s house and long days at the lake.

Clarke pushes open the door to the library, stepping out into the dark night. The moon is barely a sliver, providing little light on the quiet campus. With a sigh, Clarke shifts the book under her arm so she can grab her phone from her back pocket. She pauses on the path as she opens her phone and turns on the flashlight. She takes a second to check the missed messages from her friend, grinning at a clearly drunk Octavia arguing with a just as drunk Jasper in the groupchat about nothing other than what came first- the chicken or the egg? In Octavia’s words, “Well if the chicken was first then where the fuck did it come from?” 

A pair of arms wrap around her waist and Clarke yelps, nearly dropping her phone on the sidewalk. She relaxes when she realizes it’s just Finn, the familiar scent of his cologne enveloping her as he presses a soft kiss to her neck. She shies away as his scruff tickles her, giggling. She uses her free hand to cover his, and looks up at him, grinning.

“You scared me,” Clarke scolds lightly. Finn grins and kisses her, releasing her waist and taking her hand instead. He grabs the book from her, tucking it under his other arm. She turns off the flashlight on her phone and slips it into her back pocket, stepping closer to Finn as they walk down the path.

“You didn’t really think I was gonna have you walk all the way to our dorm in the middle of the night alone, did you?” Finn teases lightly. Clarke rolls her eyes but smiles at him. “Never, Princess.” Upon learning Octavia’s older brother, Bellamy,’s nickname for her, Finn had adopted it as her own. Which annoyed Bell to no extent, and therefore Clarke accepted it.  _ Anything to piss off Bellamy _ , she had thought with a grin.

The Blakes basically adopted Clarke when she and Octavia became friends. She practically lived at their house throughout high school. It eventually got to the point that Abby would send Clarke over weekly with a check for Bellamy, to help pay bills or for food or whatever they needed. Bellamy and Octavia were more her family than her own mother was.

Finn squeezes her hand, “Whatcha thinking about?”

“Hm? Oh, nothing. Just the test tomorrow,” Clarke says lightly. Her relationship with Bellamy is kind of a sore spot with Finn. Which bothered Clarke for a while, until she realized that he was, if fact, kind of justified. Clarke and Bellamy might drive each other insane most of the time, but when it comes down to it, they’re family and would do absolutely anything for each other. Plus, even Clarke had to admit it- Bellamy was  _ hot _ . There was no way around it. Clarke tried not to think of him like that- he was practically her brother!- but it’s hard to ignore the obvious. What with his olive skin, countless freckles, curls that always made it look like he just woke up from a nap, and a body like a greek god, Bellamy was very attractive. 

Finn wasn’t the first of Clarke’s partners to be insecure about her and Bellamy’s relationship, either. Clarke’s high school boyfriend, Wells, was always very uncomfortable around him. That might’ve been more about the fact that Bellamy scared the shit out of him when they first started dating. All Clarke knew was that Wells left their ‘talk’ looking ashen and nauseous. After that, Wells was always twitchy and nervous around him. But Finn was the first to outright ask Clarke to stop talking to Bellamy. That led to their biggest fight to date, which ended with Clarke storming out of Finn’s room and avoiding him for a week. Needless to say, she won the fight.

“So,” Clarke says now, “how was your night?” Finn chuckles.

“Well it ended with Jasper drunkenly singing ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ as Monty tried to teach everyone how to do a cartwheel. Luckily, they eventually passed out in your dorm. When I left, O was snoring on the couch and Raven was crying while watching Balto. That was like half an hour ago.” Clarke snorts and runs a hand through her hair. 

“Oh boy,” she sighs. “That’ll be fun to deal with in the morning.”

“You can stay over at my place if you want,” Finn offers, squeezing her hand.

“Thank you, but I’m good. I’m kind of an expert at dealing with these idiots drunk after like four years of practice,” Clarke replies. Truth is, she’s never liked staying at Finn’s place. His roommates, Dax and Mbege, kind of give her the creeps. But they’re Finn’s friends, so she puts up with them.

“I can imagine,” he teases as he opens the door to our dorm for her. Clarke smiles at him.

“Wow, quite the gentleman,” Clarke says, smiling at him as she walks by, pulling him in after her. He grins at her and then tugs her to him, kissing her softly. She sighs as he presses a gentle kiss to her jaw, then pushes lightly on his chest. “I have to get to bed,” she tells him. 

He steps back and pouts at her. She grins and leans up on her toes to give him another quick kiss before pulling him down the hall towards her room. When they reach her door, she turns to smile up at him. “Thanks for walking me.”

“‘Course, Princess,” he replies. He brings his lips to hers once more before she takes back her textbook and goes into her room, sighing at the sight of her four best friends passed out on and around their couch. The dorm room consists of three separate bedrooms and one common area, containing a couch, comfy chair, and coffee table. There’s also a small kitchen, with just a counter, microwave, sink, hotplate, and minifridge. Raven and Octavia are curled up together with a blanket on the couch, both fast asleep as the end credits to Balto play. Monty is in a ball on the comfy chair, cuddling a pillow. And finally, there’s Jasper, on the floor snuggling with a bottle that must have Monty’s deadly moonshine. Clarke sighs, debating going straight to bed or starting to clean up. She at least needs to set out buckets in case any of them get nauseous during the night. Thank god tomorrow is a Saturday and none of the rest of them have classes. Clarke only does because Pike is an asshole.

Clarke sets down her textbook on the coffee table, dropping her bag on the ground next to it. She heads into the bathroom, grabbing their two barf buckets from under the sink. They’ll have to share. She walks back out to her passed out friends. As she sets the buckets down on the coffee table, a voice from behind causes her to jump.

“Heya Princess,” Bellamy’s low voice rumbles. Clarke yelps quietly, then chuckles, turning to face him. He’s leaning against the counter, bowl of mac n cheese in hand. Clarke sighs, wondering how she possibly missed him.

“Jesus, Bell, give me a little warning next time,” she teases. 

“Sorry, forgot you scare easy,” he shoots back. Clarke rolls her eyes, walking over to him. Leaning back slightly so she can get past, Bellamy gestures to the pot of mac n cheese on the hot plate and Clarke grins gratefully, taking a bowl out of the cupboard. 

“So what’re you doing here anyway?” Clarke asks as she scoops out a small serving. Bellamy smirks.

“What do you think? O called me at 1:30 in the morning asking what came first-”

“-the chicken or the egg,” Clarke finishes for him. He nods ruefully. 

“So I came over because I figured a, because you weren’t here, someone would need to make sure they ate something and didnt do anything too idiotic, and b, you’d be out studying crazy late and wouldn’t have eaten anything,” Bellamy mock-scolds, pointing his spoon at her accusingly. Clarke blushes lightly, taking a bite of her mac n cheese to avoid confirming what he said. He rolls his eyes. “Plus it’s just a 20 minute drive.”

“Well, thank you,” Clarke says. “How’d you know I wasn’t here?”

“Please, you’ve got that test tomorrow. I’d be more concerned if you were here.” Clarke rolls her eyes again, setting down her bowl. Then Bellamy’s grin widens and he reaches toward Clarke’s face. She leans away, suspicious of his intentions and he shakes his head, chuckling. “Princess, you have  _ ink _ on your face,” he explains, wiping his thumb across her cheek. It comes away smudged with black ink. He licks his thumb and reaches forward again, this time Clarke squeals and slaps away his hand, grimacing.

“Hey hands off,” she scolds, ducking past him. Bellamy just grins at her, setting his bowl of mac n cheese down. Clarke backs away, shaking her head, but sporting a grin nonetheless. “I’m not eight anymore, Bell,” she taunts, gesturing for him to come at her. Bell raises his eyebrows and Clarke’s stomach drops. She should really know better than to challenge him by now.

Bellamy starts forward and Clarke lets out a little shriek and runs towards her room. Bellamy barely even has to jog to catch her, arms wrapping around her waist. She yelps as he picks her up, slapping his arm.

“Put me down,” she orders. Bellamy just shifts her so he’s holding her with one arm and licks his thumb again. Clarke groans and leans back into him, away from his finger, one hand holding his harm at bay. “Ugh I hate you, stop!”

“Bell?” Octavia groans weakly from the couch. Bellamy sighs and releases Clarke, who hurries over to her friend, but not before smirking at Bellamy over her shoulder. Saved by the drunk sister. “Clarkeyyyyyy,” Octavia mumbles, grinning. Then her face goes slack and she reaches for the bucket. Clarke hurriedly hands it to her, holding back her best friends hair as she throws up, coughing. Then she feels a hand on her shoulder and turns to look up at Bellamy. 

“I’ll take over, Clarke. You go to bed, you have a test tomorrow,” he offers. Clarke sighs, scrunching up her nose in distaste. She looks at Octavia and then back at Bellamy before shifting so he can take her place. He instantly holds back her hair and starts rubbing her back. Clarke stands up.

“Ok, I’ll just take care of the mac n cheese dishes and then-”

“Bed, Clarke,” Bellamy insists. He grins at her. “But wash your face first.” She hits the back of his head lightly, mussing his hair. Then she leans down and kisses his forehead quickly.

“Night, Bell. Stick around tomorrow for a bit, yeah?”

“‘Course, Princess. Sweet dreams.” She heads to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face, then heads into her room and crashes in her clothes, the clock reading 2:53.


	3. whenever you called

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy deals with a bunch of hungover dumbasses- aka, Octavia, Raven, and Jonty. Finn's a dick and Bellamy flashes back to the night Abby officially gave Clarke up. Still just setting up everything, introducing the plot a little :)  
> (It'll get better and more interesting I promise!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE let me know what you think!

Bellamy doesn’t get a lot of sleep between taking care of four shitfaced teenagers who took turns throwing up until like 6 am, and also having to find time to clean up the stuff from making macaroni and tidy the rest of the suite because, well, what else is he gonna do? It’s not until around 6:30 am that he manages to stumble into Octavia’s room and pass out. The vomiting had stopped, but Bellamy had still left the buckets just in case. In the morning, he needs to remind them to drink  _ actual _ alcohol instead of whatever poisonous shit Monty concocted. 

He only manages to get about four hours of sleep before a loud knocking at the door rips him from his sleep. He rolls over and tries to ignore it, but after the fourth time, Bellamy stumbles out of bed and tiredly walks out of Octavia’s room. The four teenagers are still passed in the living room, O and Raven cuddled up together under the blankets, Monty’s foot in Jasper’s face. Bellamy sighs, but then a knock at the door comes,  _ again _ , and Bellamy groans, walking to the door as he pushes his hair out of his eyes blearily. 

He opens the door to find none other than Finn Collins, fist raised to knock again. Finn blinks, clearly not expecting to see Bellamy answering the door. Bellamy can’t help the smirk that finds its way onto his face. He leans against the doorway, not offering to let Finn in. The two have a mutual disliking of each other, but they both tolerate the other for Clarke’s sake. For the most part.

“Mornin’ Collins,” Bellamy says, his voice rough with sleep. Finn ignores him, trying to glance around the other man. Bellamy shifts, blocking his view. “Anything I can help you with?” Finn clears his throat and looks at Bellamy, arms crossed over his chest.

“Nah, I’m just looking for Clarke,” Finn answers. Bellamy frowns and glances at his watch. It’s 10:34. He looks back up at Finn, confused. 

“Dude it takes longer than 30 minutes to take a test,” Bellamy says. Clearly, that catches Finn off-guard. Bellamy scoffs lightly, shaking his head. The dick didn’t even know Clarke had a test today. He’s never understood why Clarke’s with him. She can do  _ so much _ better. Bellamy basically raised Clarke since she was like 9. Well, 5 if he’s being honest. After Clarke became friends with Octavia and started spending more time at their house, Abby pretty much gave up, regardless of the fact that Bellamy was only 11. The two girls with deadbeat mothers kind of ensured Bellamy matured young. He knows everything there is to know about Clarke Griffin, down to her favorite flavor of lollipop (watermelon). And that’s how he knows she deserves more than what Finn has to offer. But the one time he tried to tell her that, it didn’t go too well. As in, screaming-match-not-too-well. So he let it go.

“Yeah, of course,” Finn says now, trying to cover up the fact he didn’t know. Bellamy raises an eyebrow at him, waiting for him to say something else. FInn clears his throat again. Bellamy rolls his eyes.

“Listen, man, I’d be happy to hang out and chat longer, but I got four hungover idiots to deal with, so…” Bellamy lets the sentence trail off, gesturing for Finn to leave.

“Oh, yeah, of course. Just tell Clarke I stopped by when she gets back from her Poli-Sci class, ok?” Bellamy tries to hide his smirk as Finn walks away and swings the door shut. It’s an Advanced Lit test. 

Octavia groans and Bellamy turns with a sigh, walking over to his sister, who’s sitting up, holding her surely pounding head in her hands. Raven grumbles as Octavia moves, pulling the blanket further over herself.

“Mornin, squirt,” Bellamy whispers. Octavia blinks up at him tiredly.

“Hey Bell,” she groans. “When did you get here?” Bellamy scoffs, shaking his head. Octavia moans pitifully, her head screaming. 

“Around 2, O. If you're gonna drink, can’t you at least drink something other than Monty’s homemade moonshine? That stuff is gonna kill you one of these days,” he scolds softly. 

“Hey! My moonshine is great,” Monty grumbles from behind Bellamy. Octavia throws a pillow at the boy’s head.

“Your moonshine is deadly, dumbass,” Raven mutters, hiding under the covers.

“Deadly and delicious,” Jasper chuckles, taking another swig of the bottle in his hand. Bellamy snatches it away despite Jasper’s protests. “Heyyy!” Bellamy just shakes his head, walking over to the sink and pouring the concoction down the drain, despite the objections from the group. 

“Just drink fucking beer like  _ normal _ college students,” Bellamy grumbles as he walks back over to them. “Now all of you get up.”

“It’s the weekend, Bell,” Octavia complains, “we don’t have to do anything.”

“Oh yeah? Well I guess that means you don’t want a latte and coffee cake, then,” Bellamy taunts, knowing that her comfort foods are Octavia’s weakness. She perks up instantly.

“Ok, ok, I’m up!” she insists.

“I’m not,” Raven groans. The two boys grumble in agreement. Bellamy raises an eyebrow.

“Cinnamon roll, blueberry muffin, and chocolate croissant,” he says, smirking. When the group started drinking at the end of sophomore year, Bellamy was obviously the one they always called for a ride. He wasn’t quite a parent, but he was also responsible enough for them to all trust and rely on him. Thus, he has their hangover order memorized. Clarke’s, on the rare occasion she actually lets loose, is lemon poppyseed muffins and chai. Groans come from the group of hungover students, but they all slowly start to move. Bellamy claps his hands and they all wince at the sound.

“Alright, it’s 10:47, Clarke’s test ends at 11ish. I’ll go get us all coffees and pastries from that kiosk truck thing you guys like and then grab Clarke. She was out studying till like 2, then had to deal with you guys, so you’re all gonna clean this place- and yourselves- up, yeah?”

“Yeah,” the kids- well, technically young adults, but he still thinks of them all as kids- all grumble. Bellamy grins and walks over to kiss Octavia’s forehead before grabbing his wallet and phone off the counter where he left them last night and heads out the door. He’s texting his friend, Murphy, when he hears Finn’s faint voice from around the corner up ahead. Normally, Bellamy would ignore him and just walk past, but Finn is talking about Clarke, and what he’s saying makes Bellamy’s blood boil.

“I swear to god, Dax, she’s got a stick so far up her ass-” he’s interrupted by another man.

“Bet that’s not the only thing,” he- Dax- chuckles. Bellamy clenches his fists, but Finn seems to have beaten him to it as a sharp “Ow!” follows the joke. 

“Grow up dude. But seriously, she just needs to fucking relax.”

“Maybe I can help with- Ow! Shit man, I was just kidding,” Dax complains. Finn grunts, dismissively.

“She was out till like 2 studying last night. Meanwhile, her friends were getting drunk and having fun. Who the fuck does that?”

“Man, just dump her and take one of the fun ones. Maybe both at- Fuck, stop hitting me!”

“Didn’t even hit you that hard, chill. Besides, it’s not like you’re wrong, that Raven’s hot,” Finn agrees.

“That’s what I’m sayin man!” Dax exclaims. “Ditch the bitch and have some fucking fun for once. I mean, how good can she be-”

That does it for Bellamy. His vision goes red and his ears ring. He starts forward, with every intention to beat the living shit out of Finn, probably his friend too, but then he thinks of Clarke. She hates it when he fights, and she hates it even more when he tries to take care of all her problems for her. And this would be doing both. So, thinking solely of Clarke, Bellamy walks toward the boys loudly, taking deep breaths. They shut up as he gets closer, and Finn tries to look busy when he sees it’s Bellamy, his fingers tapping nervously against his thigh. He gives Bellamy a little nod as he passes, and it takes every ounce of self-control he has not to slug him right then and there. But no, he’ll talk to Clarke first. Let her talk to Finn.  _ Then _ punch him.

  
Bellamy forces himself to cool down, taking deep breaths and clenching his fists. Clarke hates conflict, and she’ll _hate_ seeing him pissed off and ready to punch a wall. Clarke had always been that way, quiet, reserved. _Sweet_. That was the only way to describe it. She was respectful and responsible, a literal angel. Octavia, on the other hand, has always been a little hellion. Since the moment she was born, screaming and kicking. Wherever she goes, chaos follows. They balanced each other perfectly, Octavia helping Clarke to let loose, and Clarke keeping Octavia in check when she got too crazy. Bellamy loved both his girls- because yes, they’re _his_. As far as he’s concerned, Octavia’s been his since the second she was born and his mom instantly passed out, not even asking to hold the newborn. _His sister, his responsibility_. Clarke became his the day Abby sent her with a check. He’ll never forget that night.  Bellamy was 14, nearly 15, and already working two jobs. His mom hadn’t left yet- not officially, at least. Mentally, she had checked out years ago. But she still lived at their house, for the most part.

It was Friday night, and he had been expecting Clarke, so it wasn’t a surprise when he heard Abby’s BMW pull into the driveway, headlights flashing through the window. Bellamy looked up from where he was helping Octavia with math homework and walked over to the door. Just as he reached for the handle, there was a soft knock. He opened the door to see Clarke, big blue eyes staring up at him, standing on the stoop, with a backpack almost bigger than her. Clearly, Abby didn’t expect her back anytime soon. Smart. Abby didn’t even wait to see Bellamy before pulling out of the driveway and leaving.

“Hi Bellamy,” Clarke said softly, big blue eyes gazing up at him. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her.

“Hey Clarke,” he grinned, stepping aside so she could come in. She smiled sweetly at him and stepped inside.

“Clarke!” Octavia called from the table, abandoning her homework and running toward the small blonde at full speed. She grabbed her hand, tugging her toward the kitchen. “Oh my god, you won’t  _ believe _ what happened!” Octavia started, clearly ready to ramble and chatter about anything, despite the fact that the girls saw each other at school just a few hours ago. But before she could get sucked into the hurricane that is Octavia, Clarke turned to Bellamy.

“My mom gave me something for you,” she said somberly, shrugging off her backpack and reaching inside. She pulled out an envelope and Bellamy frowned, confused as to what Abby could possibly have for him. Then he opened it and pulled out a check, made out to Bellamy, for more money than he made in a month. He gaped at it, flabbergasted. Clarke looked up at him, worried.

“Did I do something wrong, Bell’my?” she asked, her voice small, skipping the a in his name like she did whenever she got quiet and unsure as a little girl. He smiled down at her, ruffling her hair lightly.

“No, of course not, Princess,” Bellamy reassured her. She smiled, eyes still serious, and let Octavia pull her away. Bellamy glanced again at the check, then noticed another piece of paper in the envelope. It was a note from Abby, reading “ _ For any trouble Clarke may cause.” _ Bellamy scoffed, disgusted. As if Clarke could cause him any trouble. She was well behaved and polite, helpful even. But Bellamy  _ did _ need the money.

So, he had ripped up the note but kept the check, cashing it in and everyone after it. As if taking a cue from Abby, though Bellamy never really sure how she found out, after his and Octavia’s mom left a few months later, she started sending them monthly checks. Never as much as Abby, but it still helped. Till he turned 18 and graduated. Then she seemed to decide he was old enough to take care of it on his own. Clarke moved in with them, officially, when he was 20. Abby kept sending checks until Clarke left for college four years later. So, yeah, Clarke is his as much as Octavia is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos feed my soul ;) <3


	4. all i can think about is seeing that look on your face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy And Clarke bein cute and shit. Plus sweet family stuff. Pretty boring ngl. It'll pick up soon, tho, sorry about the slow intro!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated :)

Bellamy is now at the coffee kiosk, and he shakes the thoughts from his head as he steps forward to place his order. 

“Hey,” Bellamy greets the barista. She smiles back and Bellamy takes a breath, ready to rattle off his order. “Ok, I’ll take a slice of the coffee cake, a blueberry muffin, a lemon poppyseed muffin, a cinnamon roll, chocolate croissant, and a banana nut muffin. And for drinks, two iced americanos, one latte, an iced vanilla chai, a matcha latte, and a mocha.”

“Jesus how drunk did you get last night and how on earth are you ok to walk?” the girl chuckles. Bellamy grins at her. 

“Not me, my little sister and her idiot friends,” he explains, passing over his credit card. She bags up all his pastries, then about ten minutes later, all the drinks are done and he’s walking towards Clarke’s class. She’s just leaving the building as he gets there, running a hand through her hair. After 15 years, Bellamy can read her like a book. He quickly surveys her as he approaches- she’s chewing on her bottom lip, switching between raking back her hair and drumming her fingers against her thigh. Her shoulders are slumped and her eyes never linger anywhere long. She’s anxious, but glad to be done. Then her gaze lands on Bellamy and her whole demeanor changes, her face lighting up as she breaks into a smile and her posture relaxing.

“Well fancy meeting you here!” Clarke says brightly, walking over to him. She’s clearly exhausted but trying to hide it. 

“Morning Princess,” Bellamy greets, smiling at her. He nods at the drinks in his hand and Clarke’s eyes widen. She searches quickly before grabbing her iced chai, taking a grateful sip. She looks at Bellamy seriously.

“I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more,” she tells him. Bellamy laughs and the two start back to the dorm, Clarke taking the bag of pastries so Bellamy can carry the drinks with both hands. 

“So how’d the test go?” Bellamy asks, side-eyeing her. She puffs out a sigh.

“Good, I think. I hope. I don’t know. Pike’s a pain in the ass- he put questions in there he never even covered in class!” she complains. Bellamy grins. 

“I’m sure you aced it,” he reassures her. He chews on his lip, not sure if he should bring it up now or wait. Seeing her clear distress, he decides to wait, despite not wanting to.

“Maybe,” Clarke replies quietly. Bellamy nudges her and she grins at him. 

“So what do you want to do today?” Bellamy asks, deciding then and there that he’ll stay for the day. Clarke perks up instantly.

“You’re staying?”

“‘Course, Princess. We gotta celebrate you acing your test.” Clarke rolls her eyes, still smiling. “Besides, I’m already up here and it’s my night off.” 

“Well there’s always the lake. It  _ is _ really fucking hot today. Maybe we could grab a few sandwiches and head up there,” Clarke suggests. 

“Sounds like a great idea. Plus, as a bonus we get to force your hungover idiot friends on a hike,” he jokes. Clarke grins mischievously and opens the door for Bellamy, having reached the dorms now. “Are you sure you guys even have all the stuff necessary for sandwiches?” Bellamy teases as they walk toward Clarke’s room. She shrugs.

“Yeah, sure. Cheese, turkey, bread. Between the six of us I’m sure we can find that.” Bellamy frowns. 

“Six?” he asks, glancing at her.

“Me, O, Raven, Jonty, and Finn,” she clarifies. Bellamy tenses next to her, hoping Clarke doesn’t notice. She, of course, does. Just like he knows her, she knows him. “What’s wrong?” she asks, studying him. He forces a smirk back onto his face.

“Nothing, Princess,” he lies. Clarke wants to press further, but now they’re at her dorm and there’s shouting coming from inside. Bellamy opens the door and they both walk in, mouths dropping open. Jasper is lying on the ground, curled into a ball while Octavia whacks him repeatedly with a pillow. Monty is standing to the side, looking like he regrets every choice that led to him being here at the moment, and Raven is sitting on the couch laughing her ass off. Octavia stops her assault when she sees Bellamy and Clarke.

“Hey big brother,” she sighs, blowing stray hair out of her face. Jasper slowly uncurls and stands up, glaring at Octavia. Monty shoots Clarke and Bellamy a look that says ‘thank god sane people are here.’

“Hey, O,” Bellamy sighs. “Wanna explain why you’re beating Jasper with a pillow.” Octavia shrugs.

“Do I really need a reason?” Bellamy raises an eyebrow and Octavia looks away. Raven, still chuckling, shakes her head.

“They were arguing about the fucking egg again,” she explains increduously. Clarke snorts and Bellamy shakes his head, hiding a grin.

“All I said was that I was right,” Jasper grumbles, still glaring at Octavia. She sticks her tongue out at him and even Bellamy laughs at that. 

“So did you bring us food or are you just a tease?” Octavia asks, wiggling her eyebrows. Clarke grins and passes Octavia the bag of pastries. Bellamy passes around the drinks and Octavia slaps away Jasper’s hand as he reaches for the pastries. Then she pulls out her coffee cake and passes the bag to Raven, smirking as Jasper glares at her.

“How’d your test go, Clarke?” Monty asks, clearly the least hungover of the group and clear headed enough to remember why Clarke had been out till 2 am last night.

“Good, I hope,” she replies unsurely. Bellamy rolls his eyes, along with Octavia.

“She killed it,” he corrects her. She takes a bite of her muffin, looking uncertain.

“Of course she did, she’s  _ Clarke _ ,” Octavia teases lightly. Clarke feels her cheeks heat up as Bellamy nudges her. 

“Anyway, I thought we should do something to celebrate Clarke  _ acing _ her test, and she suggested the lake, which sounds pretty great to me.” There’s a chorus of groans from the hungover youths.

“We really don’t have to, we can just chill and watch movies or something,” Clarke offers. 

“Shut up, of course we’re going,” Octavia insists, the others nodding in agreement. “It’s hot as hell, and it’s like a ten minute walk.” Bellamy claps his hands and Raven winces. 

“Alright, how about you all finish your breakfast and I’ll see what you guys have for sandwiches. Monty, keys,” Bellamy demands, knowing he’ll have to raid their fridge too. 

“Not locked,” Jasper mumbles around a mouthful of chocolate croissant. Bellamy sighs. Of course it’s not. These idiots are going to get robbed one day, and it will be entirely their fault. Clarke grins and walks over to the couch, lifting up Raven’s legs, sitting down, and then placing them on her lap.

“How bad were we last night?” Raven asks, scrunching up her nose and looking at Clarke.

“Not too bad.”

“Really?”

“No, you cried watching Balto,” Clarke laughs. Raven groans and buries her face in the couch pillow. Then she looks up with a smirk.

“At least I wasn’t as bad as those two,” she chuckles, gesturing to Octavia and Jasper. Clarke lets out a laugh and Bellamy smiles at the two of them. Octavia squishes in next to Clarke and Bellamy walks over to their kitchen, squatting in front of their fridge. 

Bellamy has worried about Clarke almost nonstop since the moment she walked into his life, and nothing changed after she left for college. Octavia is a force of nature, bold and wild. Bellamy never had to worry about her, aside from her hurting herself by accident. Clarke, however, always worried him, in one way or another. Aside from having the abandonment issues that came automatically with her fucked up parents, Clarke was quick to push people away, and slow to open up. If it weren’t for Octavia, Bellamy doubts Clarke would've tried to make any friends on her own. It’s not her fault. It seemed like her parents tried their best her whole life to screw her up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought below!
> 
> Also, flashback next chapter. Flashback Bellarke fluff might be my favorite thing ever, so expect a lot of it!


	5. when you hurt under the surface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback to when Bellamy found out Abby hit Clarke...
> 
> Trigger warning: mention of mild abuse implied mild eating disorder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy ;)

Her dad left without a word when she was 10, and Abby (Bellamy refuses to refer to her as Clarke’s mom. She doesn’t deserve that title in his mind) had spent years convincing Clarke it was her fault. Bellamy’s pretty sure she still blames herself. After Jake left, Abby just got worse. In 7th grade there was a while where Clarke stopped eating, and after bugging her for weeks, Bellamy finally discovered it was because Abby had been giving her shit about her weight. Clarke had to beg him not to go yell at Abby and promise to start eating again. Bellamy kept an eye on her for a long time after that, making sure Octavia did too. Bellamy hates Abby, plain and simple. In addition to causing some serious self-image issues for Clarke, Abby never even cared that she was hurting her. 

Bellamy worried a little less after Clarke moved in and he could keep an eye on her all the time. Abby didn’t even put up a fight. He can remember the day he decided he had to get her out of that house. It’s burned forever into his memory.

Clarke and Octavia were 14, finishing up 8th grade. They had come home from school one day, Clarke already planning on spending the night, as she did most days. Bellamy had made them dinner and then they all settled in for a movie, curled up on the couch. They were watching 10 Things I Hate About You, one of Clarke’s favorites. Then Bellamy had accidentally split his glass of water on Clarke’s head as she rested against his chest. Instead of laughing it off and calling him a dumbass like she normally did, Clarke’s face had gone slack.

“Oh no,” she muttered, hushed. Then she leapt up and bolted for the bathroom. Bellamy and Octavia exchanged a worried glance before running after her as the door slammed shut. Bellamy knocked at the door.

“Clarke? Clarke are you ok?” he had asked, concern creeping into his voice. “Clarke open the door, please.”

“No, I’m fine just go away,” Clarke insisted. Bellamy heard her rifling through drawers and frowned at Octavia.

“Clarkey whatcha lookin for?” Octavia called through the door. Clarke sighed.

“I just- ugh nothing,” she replied. Octavia’s eyebrows drew together.

“C’mon what do you need?” Octavia tried again. Bellamy heard a defeated sigh from Clarke as she gave in.

“Uh my mascara is running I need some makeup remover.” She was clearly lying, and Octavia knew exactly how to catch her. 

“Oh there’s some in the top right drawer,” Octavia bluffed, hoping Clarke wouldn’t check.

“No, no it’s empty,” Clarke lied. “Can you just grab me your makeup bag?” Octavia looked at Bellamy, concern and desperation clouding her usually sparkling blue eyes, and shook her head. He nodded for her to head upstairs and after a brief silent argument, she listened, telling Clarke she was going to get her makeup.

“Clarke,” Bellamy had called again, his voice low and rough with concern. “Clarke, either you tell me what’s wrong or I swear to god I’ll break down this door.”

“Bellamy,” Clarke whispered, her voice small and cracking. She was crying. “Please, just let it go. I’m fine, I promise.”

“Ok,” Bellamy said. He heard her sigh in relief. “I’m knocking the door down so step back.”

“Bellamy I mean it!” she cried. “Just fuck off!” Something was seriously wrong, she never swore at him.

“And I mean it when I say I will rip this door off it’s goddamn hinges, Clarke!” Bellamy had yelled back. For a few tense seconds, he worried she would actually make him do it. Then, the lock clicked and the door inched open, Clarke peeking out at him. Her eyes were red, sparkling with unshed tears. He set a hand on the door, forcing the door further open. And then his heart shattered into a million pieces. There, on Clarke’s cheek, was a red-purple bruise outline of a hand. Someone had slapped her. His Princess, his precious girl. And someone had  _ hit  _ her. Bellamy felt tears spring to his eyes, but he held them back, determined not to cry in front of her. He knelt in front of Clarke, gently reaching up and brushing the pad of his thumb over the mark. She winced and in that instant, his sadness turned to rage. Cold, hard rage.

“Clarke,” he started, his voice rough, “who did this to you?” She shook her head, sniffling, and looked up at him, her eyes full of pain and tears. “ _ Clarke _ .  _ Who did this _ ?” She looked away, biting her lip, and then took a deep breath.

“Abby,” Clarke whispered, barely audible. Bellamy felt rage burning through him and his vision went red. Without a word, he stood up and left the room, just as Octavia came down the stairs, makeup bag in hand. Seeing her fuming brother marching for the door, she ran in front of him, hand on his chest. 

“Get out of my way, Octavia,” he growled, not even looking at her.

“Wait a second, Bell, what is going on?” Octavia demanded. Then she heard Clarke crying in the bathroom and looked past her brother, who used her momentary distraction to push by her. Scarily calm, he grabbed his keys from the counter and started for the door.

“Bellamy!” It’s Clarke’s voice that stopped him. He turned around slowly. She was sitting on the floor of the bathroom, tears staining her cheeks and Octavia next to her, hugging her. Clarke met Bellamy’s eyes. “Please, don’t. Please just stay here and finish the movie with us, I’m fine. I don’t want anything to happen to you.” That’s what broke him. That she was really sitting there, crying on the bathroom floor with an angry red handprint on her cheek, and still worried about  _ him _ .

“Octavia, take care of her, I’ll be back,” he ordered, his voice low and angry. He slammed the door shut behind him, doing his best to ignore Clarke’s cries. He had jumped in his truck, feeling numb with rage. He was going to kill Abby. He shook his head. No, no he wasn’t going to touch her. Because if he did, he could end up in jail, leaving Clarke and Octavia with no one. No, he was just going to make sure she knew damn well that Clarke was no longer hers.

Several minutes later, Bellamy pulled into Abby’s driveway, less angry and more determined. He slammed shut the car door and marched up to the house, banging on the door. It took a few minutes of rapid knocking until a very flustered and irritated Abby finally opened the door.

“Bellamy? What the fuck are you doing at my house at 11:30?” she demanded, not a shred of concern in her expression.

“Clarke,” he bit out. Abby blinked, confused.

“Is she ok?” Nothing. Abby had no concern for her daughter’s well being. She was just annoyed at being woken up so late.

“No and you should know that,” Bellamy growled. “I saw what you did to her, Abby. I saw the mark, and let me tell you that is  _ never _ happening again.”

“Young man, I suggest you watch yourself,” Abby replied coldly. “Clarke is  _ my _ daughter and it is up to me as to how I raise her. You are a  _ friend _ and that is all, so mind your own business and stay out of ours.” Abby moved to close the door, but Bellamy held it open, stepping into the doorway. Abby fumed, but Bellamy didn’t give her a chance to say another word.

“To be honest, Abby, I couldn’t give a fuck about what you suggest. She may be your daughter biologically, but you are  _ not _ her mother and you haven’t been for a long time.” Abby’s mouth dropped open in shock- she couldn’t believe he was speaking to her this way. But he didn’t stop there. “Octavia and I are Clarke’s family more than you ever have been. And I am  _ not _ going to sit by and let you treat her the way you do a second longer. So here’s what's going to happen. Tomorrow, you’re going to leave the house while Clarke, Octavia and I come get her stuff. Then she’s going to come live with us.” Abby blinked, affronted. “Is there a problem Abby?” She swallowed, knowing in her heart that Bellamy wasn’t wrong. Maybe this is the one thing she could do right for Clarke.

“No, there’s no problem. But I want to be here when you come to get her stuff,” Abby insisted. Bellamy blinked, stepping back. She’s not even fighting for Clarke. He scoffed, shaking his head at her. 

“I’ll ask her,” was all he could manage. Abby’s expression hardened.

“No, I will be here. It is not up for debate,  _ Mr. Blake _ .” 

“Fine,” Bellamy growled. He then spun on his heel and marched back to his car, slamming the door shut and driving home. The anger had left him by the time he reached the house, leaving him with a broken heart and exhausted mind. But he had to be strong for Clarke. So when he got inside, he was determined not to cry until he had made sure she was ok. He warmed at the sight of his two girls curled up together on the couch, the end of 10 Things playing. Clarke wasn’t crying anymore and sat straight up when he walked in.

“Bellamy,” she whispered. Octavia looked up, too, concern etched in her face.

“Hey, girls,” he said tiredly. He walked over and sat next to Clarke, toeing off his shoes. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine, Bellamy, are  _ you _ ?” Bellamy couldn’t help but smile at his sweet girl, always concerned for him. He kissed her forehead.

“Yeah, Princess. I’m fine. I talked to your mom.” Clarke stiffened beside him. “It’s ok, we just talked. And, uh, if you want,” he started slowly, not wanting to overwhelm her, “tomorrow we can go get some of your stuff and you can stay here for a while.”

“But my mom-”

“We discussed it. You can go back there whenever you want, but she’s okayed you staying with us… indefinitely,” he added softly. Tears brimmed Clarke’s eyes and she covered her mouth in shock, but Bellamy could see the smile.

“Really?” she and Octavia asked at the same time, Octavia shrieking and Clarke whispering.

“Is that a yes?” Bellamy prompted, hopeful. Clarke nods joyfully, launching herself into his arms. She buried her face in his neck, squeezing him tight.

“Yes, yes, yes!” she cried. “Thank you, Bellamy!”

  
“Hey I want in,” Octavia complained, poking Clarke. She let go of Bellamy and he smiled as she turned to hug her best friend- no, her  _ sister _ . Because that’s what they are now. A family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who is still reading (and hopefully enjoying) this story! I'm LOVING writing it so much and so excited to continue. Next chapter in a few days! (I'm going to try to updat every 3-4 days)


	6. like troubled water running cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fluff and another flashback because I'm obsessed now. Plus some lake shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's still boring I apologize, it'll get more exciting I SWEAR. Sorry it's short but

Now, 6 years later, Bellamy knows he doesn’t have to worry. He still will, of course. But with his and Octavia’s help, she’s built herself a new family. A family that will look out for her when Bellamy can’t. And, apparently, a family that doesn’t know how to food shop for shit. Clarke, Raven, and Octavia’s fridge luckily has a loaf of bread and a block of cheese, but literally nothing else but milk. Bellamy sighs and pulls out the ingredients, praying Jonty will have some turkey or something. Even if they don’t, there’s no way in hell he’s going to Finn. He’s actually hoping Clarke will forget to invite him. Bellamy still needs to find a good time to talk to her about what he overheard.

“You guys need to learn how to grocery shop,” Bellamy informs the group as he heads out of the dorm. They call out defenses as he walks into Jonty’s suite. Their fridge, if possible, is worse. It’s a mess of expired yogurt, half-eaten food, and things he doesn’t even want to try and guess what are. However, they do in fact have a packet of turkey meat and it isn’t even expired. Grinning triumphantly, he heads back over to the girls’ dorm, ready to announce the boys officially win worst fridge. But the smile falls off his face when he’s greeted by Finn, who somehow managed to slip in in the few minutes it took Bellamy to retrieve the food, and Clarke cuddling on the couch, him eating her muffin. Bellamy feels rage burn in his chest at the sight of him, but shoves it down for Clarke’s sake. So he forces a smile tossing the package of turkey in the air.

“Well boys, you officially win worst fridge, congratulations,” he informs them. The boys cheer and the girls shake their heads. “Anyway who’s gonna help me make these sandwiches?” Clarke moves to get up, but Finn’s hand tightens on her waist and she stays where she is, smiling apologetically at Bellamy. 

“I will,” Monty offers.

“No!” Everyone shouts at once. After the Soup Disaster of Freshman Year, Monty was officially banned from cooking. He rolls his eyes. 

“Come on, guys, I can handle a couple sandwiches.” Everyone shoots him dubious looks, but Bellamy walks over and claps him on the shoulder. 

“I’ll take what I can get,” he sighs, grinning. Monty sticks his tongue at the others and the two walk to the kitchen to make the food. 

-

Thirty minutes later, they’re all dressed and ready to go, ziploc full of sandwiches and water bottles in hand. Clarke grabs a few towels and sunscreen and then they’re off. Clarke’s shocked- it usually takes hours to rally everyone. But Bellamy is determined to get them to the swimming hole and doesn’t take no for an answer. 

So now here they are, a laughing, chattering group winding their way through the campus. Finn’s arm is slung around Clarke’s shoulder and Raven and Octavia’s arms are linked. Bellamy lingers behind, watching Clarke and Finn. He needs to get her alone and talk to her, but it doesn’t seem like Finn’s going to give him the chance any time soon.

Clarke knows something’s up. She knows from how Bellamy hasn’t stopped moving since he met her outside of her class. From the glances he keeps shooting at her and Finn. From the way the muscles in his jaw keep ticking, like he wants to say something but doesn’t know if he should. And, most of all, from the way his fists keep clenching and relaxing, one of his biggest tells for having something on his mind. But he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it around anyone else. She’ll have to wait to get him alone.

The group turns onto the trail, Jasper and Monty goofing around up ahead and Raven and Octavia muttering and grumbling behind Clarke and Finn. Bellamy takes up the rear, silent. Finn nudges Clarke, looking down at her.

“Hey, whatcha thinkin about?” 

“My test.” Clarke’s not fully sure why she lies to Finn. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t want him pressing, maybe she just wants to talk to Bellamy first. Either way, Finn accepts her answer and leans down to press a kiss to her temple.

“I’m sure you did great,” he assures her. She nods, smiles, and fights the urge to look back at Bellamy. They walk the last few minutes in silence and Clarke can feel Bellamy watching her. When they reach the swimming hole, they all drop their stuff on the little bank and then Jasper and Monty are stripping down and launching themselves into the water. Raven and Octavia are taking a bit longer, slowly pulling off their shirts and shorts and then grumbling about it being too bright. Then, they’re jumping in and laughing and splashing the boys Clarke smiles at them and then Finn tugs at her hand, pulling her towards the water.

“I’ll just be a second, ok?” she says, shaking her head. Finn pouts dramatically, sighs, and then wades in after their friends, setting his hand on Raven’s waist as he calls them all over and starts saying something. Clarke turns to look at Bellamy, studying him. 

His expression is guarded, his posture rigid. He’s doing everything he can to keep her from being able to read him. Clarke chews on her bottom lip, tapping her fingertips along her other arm before walking over to him. He visibly tenses when she approaches, though his eyes don’t leave the group in the lake.

“What’s wrong?” Clarke asks softly, watching his face for tells. The muscles in his jaw tick, then she can see him force an easy grin into place. When he finally looks at her, his eyes are hard. Clarke frowns, about to ask him again when,

“Nothing, Princess,” he lies. Clarke blinks, a little surprised he would flat-out lie to her face like that. It’s not like he’s never lied to her before- he has plenty of times. Especially when she was a little kid. But his lies don’t usually feel so…  _ personal _ . That’s the only way she can explain it. The only times he lies to her like this are when it’s something to do with her. Bellamy must know she knows. But it’s serious enough for him to lie anyway.

“Bullshit, Bellamy,” Clarke replies. She’s not angry- she’s concerned and maybe a little scared. She steps closer, sets a hand on his arm and looks up at him. “What’s going on? And don’t lie to me, Bell.” He sighs, looks down at her, and Clarke  _ swears _ he’s about to tell her something. Then a pair of arms wrap around her, instantly soaking through her thin tank top, and Bellamy is forcing a laugh, and Clarke is squealing as Finn throws her over his shoulder and launches them both into the water, Clarke still fully clothed. 

“ _ Finn! _ ” Clarke shrieks, pulling herself from his grasp and smoothing back her hair when they surface. He just shoots her a shit-eating grin and steps forward again. Clarke shakes her head, fighting down a grin. “I’m still fully clothed, you ass!”

“Not  _ fully _ clothed,” he corrects. Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Shoes don’t count, dick,” she grumbles. She pulls off her shirt and wriggles out of her soaked jean shorts before wading out of the water.

“Where ya goin?” Finn asks, frowning. She smiles over her shoulder.

“I’m just laying out my clothes on the rocks,” she tells him, going to do so. She knows she can’t continue her conversation with Bellamy right now, so she’s going to try and make the most of it and have fun anyway. Bellamy is watching her, a real smile on his face now, if a little sad. She lays out her clothes and walks back over to him. 

“We are  _ not _ done talking,” she insists, poking a finger into his chest with an exaggerated scowl. He chuckles.

“I know, Princess,” he replies. Then Finn is calling for Clarke to come back and she smiles as she runs back into the water. 

“Bellamy!” Octavia shouts, looking significantly happier in the water. “Quit sulking and come get in the water!” He grins at her and strips off his shirt before running in, headed straight for Octavia, who squeals and tries to swim away. Bellamy’s much faster and catches her in the space of a few seconds. Clarke watches, smiling, as the siblings play-wrestle in the water. Then she feels Finn behind her, his hand on her waist, and she turns up to look at him with a forced smile. She wants to have fun, she really does, but she can’t get that  _ look _ in Bellamy’s eyes out of her head. Like he wants to protect her from the world, from everything. It’s a look she’s been getting for 15 years, but it never fails to shake her. 

She knows Bellamy worries about her, knows he has since he first met her. But she worries, too. Ever since she was old enough to understand everything he had to do. God- he was  _ 7 _ when Octavia was born. His mom had completely given up by the time he was 10, and at 11 Clarke was dumped onto him as well. Clarke doesn’t know how he managed to do it all. He had gotten his first job at 13, which was technically illegal, but the owner of the grocery market took pity on him and let him be a bagboy. He got his second job just a couple years after that, bussing at a cafe. Clarke’s not an idiot- she knows that her mom sent her with checks and that was the only reason Bellamy didn’t have to drop out and work full-time. The one thing her mom did right was help with money. It was only when Bellamy got the job at the bar that Clarke  _ really _ started to worry about him…

It was late at night, but Clarke was wide awake, staring at the ceiling. It was Bellamy’s first night at his new job at the bar, and Clarke couldn’t stop tossing and turning, waiting for him to come back. She glanced at the clock by her bed. It was 12:14. He got off work at 1. Clarke sat up with a sigh, running a hand through her hair. She wasn’t falling asleep any time soon. So she grabbed her book and headed downstairs, tiptoeing so as not to wake Octavia. She went straight to the kitchen, filled up the kettle and waited for the telltale hiss, turning it off before the whistle came. Then she dropped in the teabag and took her drink and book and curled up on the couch to wait for Bellamy. 

Time seemed to drag on as Clarke read. It’d seem like an hour has passed, only to be five minutes. Clarke tried her best to get into the book, but she couldn’t stop thinking and worrying about Bellamy. She didn’t know why- it’s not like he was some scrawny kid with a bunch of burly rednecks. Bellamy definitely qualified as well-built, all broad shoulders and muscles. But still. She knew bar fights were a thing, and that people could get crazy when they got drunk. She’d seen a violent drunk before and the thought of Bellamy getting in a fight with one of them… a shudder ran through her and she refocused her attention on her book.

It was 1:07 when she heard the door unlock. She set aside her book, craning her neck to look at the door. Bellamy didn’t notice her at first, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the door. 

“Bellamy?” Clarke said quietly, and his head snapped in her direction. He sighed before walking over to her and she scootched a bit so he could sit next to her on the couch. He leaned back, his face in the light now, and Clarke sucked in a sharp breath. Bellamy noticed and quickly turned so his face was back in shadows.

“Princess, you should be asleep,” he’d chastised, but Clarke could tell he wasn’t angry. She leaned forward, gently touching the side of his face, where a purple bruise was already blooming across his cheek bone. Bellamy winced slightly and she pulled back. She surveyed his face for any other damage, but all she could see was a small cut within the bruise. He had his eyes closed, suddenly appearing a lot older than 22.

“What happened?” Clarke asked softly.

“Nothing, Princess. Why aren’t you asleep?” he pressed. Clarke frowned, but decided to answer before pressing him further.

“I was worried about you,” she told him honestly, watching his face for any kind of reaction. He opened his eyes and smiled at her a little.

“I  _ can _ take care of myself, you know,” he’d joked. Clarke had pursed her lips and his grin melted away. “It’s  _ nothing _ , Clarke.”

“It’s not nothing,” Clarke had argued. Then she stood up and held out her hand expectantly. Bellamy clearly wanted to argue, to make her go to sleep, but he must’ve been too tired from his seven hour shift, because he had just silently taken her hand and let her lead him to the bathroom. He sat quietly on the toilet while she wetted a washcloth and then gently started dabbing gently at the cut on his face.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” she pressed after a second. Bellamy sighed.

“It was stupid,” he started. “It was like five hours into my shift and this girl came in. She looked like she was 17 or something, but Murphy carded her so I figured she must just look young for her age. She hung around for like an hour and then this guy was hitting on her and she looked really uncomfortable and just gave me this  _ look _ , like she needed help. So I went over to where she was sitting and asked if I could get her anything else or call her a cab and the guy- who was clearly wasted- just lunged at me and told me to fuck off. Then he just swung at me, and next thing I knew, Murphy and one of the other guys were kicking him out.”

“I don’t like you working there,” Clarke admitted after a second. Bellamy had smiled at her as she set down the washcloth. He stood up and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I can handle myself, Princess,” he reassured her. She had still pouted at him until he laughed. “Besides, you should see the other guy.” She’d rolled her eyes at him with a little grin.

“Just promise you’ll be careful?”

“Always,” he answered. “Now go to sleep, it’s like 1:30 or something and you have school at 8.” Clarke knew he was right, but still rolled her eyes and called him something along the lines of “worried grandma” teasingly before giving him a last hug and going to her room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please please comment they make my day!!! :)


	7. make it all stop hurting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let the lake shenanigans begin! Plus another cute flashback and a, hopefully unexpected, twist!

After that night, Bellamy’s job got easier. He only got into a couple more fights (all of them extremely justified, he assured her) and learned to deal with drunken idiots better. Clarke still worried, but not nearly as much as she knows he worried about her. 

Despite his shitty situation, Bellamy did great for himself. He graduated highschool, still has a steady job at the bar, and raised Clarke and Octavia better than either of their mothers could. Clarke is positive that the Blakes saved her life by taking her in. 

“Earth to Clarke!” Finn’s voice snaps her out of her memory and she realizes she’s still watching Bellamy and Octavia splash each other. Finn’s looking at her with a funny expression on his face, his brow furrowed. “Hey, you ok?”

“Hmm? No, yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, I just didn’t get a ton of sleep last night,” Clarke explains with an easy grin. Finn still frowns a little but accepts her answer, wrapping his arms around her waist. She smiles and leans up to kiss him, but then he’s heaving them both backwards, crashing into the water. Clarke sputters as she resurfaces, laughing and splashing him as he comes up too. She’s about to launch herself at him when, out of seemingly nowhere, Jonty beats her to it, Jasper on Monty’s shoulders as they topple onto him, screaming “CHICKEN FIGHT!” Clarke laughs, rolling her eyes. She’s friends with a bunch of children. Then Bellamy’s voice is at her ear,

“What do you say, Princess? Wanna show them how you  _ really _ chicken fight?” She turns around and his eyes are sparkling mischievously, all signs of worry gone from his face. 

“They’re not gonna know what hit them,” she answers and he dunks under the water so she can climb onto his shoulder, shouting as they charge a very scared Jonty.

-

A 20-minute drive away, Abby Griffin stares at her phone, lost in thought as she worries her bottom lip. The man next to her squeezes her hand reassuringly and she smiles up at him before turning back to her phone. Clarke’s number stares back at her. At least, the most recent number Abby has for her. It’s from a little over a year ago, and as of seven months ago it was still her current one. Clarke and Abby haven’t been in regular contact in over three years, though. Abby knows she lost Clarke long before that, though. She can pinpoint the precise moment she knew her daughter was no longer hers. 

It was a Saturday night, one of the rare ones Clarke was actually home. But she had spent the last five nights at the Blake’s and Abby had wanted her home, wanted to feel like she was still a little bit in Clarke’s life. She was only 9, after all! And that was too young to spend six nights in a row at a friend's house. That rule would change for Abby after tonight, though. 

It was 11:30 at night and Abby was downstairs, nursing a glass of wine as she watched the news when she heard Clarke’s cries. She had ignored the first couple, figuring everything was alright, but then after about a minute of constant crying, Abby had set down the glass and made her way upstairs. She had found Clarke writhing in bed, clutching her stomach. Abby had run to her side, pushing back her hair and quickly checking for fever before Clarke squirmed away.

“Clarke, sweetie, what’s wrong?” Abby asked. Clarke just shook her head and Abby repeated the question, her voice firmer this time. 

“It’s my tummy!” the little girl had cried, her eyes squeezed shut tight. Abby’s mind flashed back to earlier, when Clarke had been complaining about a stomachache. Abby had sighed in relief, leaning back on her heels.

“Clarke, sweetie, we have to go to the doctor. He’ll make it better, ok?”

“Do’t wanna!” Clarke had complained, still crying.

“Clarke, you have appendicitis, we need to go to the doctor,” Abby explained.

“No doctor! Want Bell’my!” Clarke had screamed. Abby sighed irritably and picked up a squirming and protesting Clarke and carried her, struggling a little, out to the car. She set Clarke in her carseat, strapped her in, and drove quickly to the hospital, ignoring Clarke’s cries for Bellamy, a sinking feeling in her chest. She’d pulled into the employee parking lot and grabbed Clarke from the backseat, locking the car and heading toward the entrance. 

Cristal, the desk worker that night, had given Abby a confused and concerned look when she walked in with a screaming child, before regaining her composure. 

“What is it?” The woman had asked, already typing on the computer.

“Appendicitis, I think,” Abby grunted, struggling to hold her squirming daughter. “Cris, can I get a room, please?” Cristal had furrowed her brow- it wasn’t protocol to give a private room for appendicitis, but agreed in the end, telling Abby the one just a few meters away was open and that she’d send a doctor in. 

Clarke was crying, curled in a ball on the bed when the doctor came in. It was Nyko on duty, a fact Abby was very grateful for. Nyko was a great doctor and even better with kids. But Clarke still wouldn’t let him touch her.

“Clarke, honey, I just need to see what’s wrong so I can fix it,” Nyko had coaxed.

“No!” Clarke sobbed. “No! Want Bell’my!”

“Clarke, sweetie-” Abby had tried.

“No!” The little girl screamed in response. She’d opened her eyes and stared directly at Abby, her little brow furrowed in determination. She was quiet for the first time in over an hour, tears staining her cheeks. “I want Bellamy.” Abby sighed and exchanged a glance with Nyko.

“I need to make a call,” she breathed, before stepping outside. She pulled out her phone and typed in Bellamy’s name (she wasn't irresponsible enough to not have the number), hesitating just a second longer before calling him. He picked up after the fifth ring.

“Abby?” he asked, confused as to why on earth Abby Griffin was calling him at 12:43 in the morning.

“Bellamy, hi,” Abby greeted.

“What’s going on?” Bellamy demanded, concern edging into his voice. 

“It’s Clarke-”

“What is it? Is she ok?” Panic had set in, Abby could hear it in his voice.

“Kind of,” Abby answered honestly. She could already hear Bellamy moving through the house, likely checking that Octavia was ok and asleep before coming to Clarke. 

“What the hell do you mean ‘kind of’?” Bellamy practically growled. Abby almost reprimanded him for swearing at her, but chose to let it slide. 

“She has appendicitis,” Abby said slowly. “We’re at the hospital now but she won’t let the doctors near her. She-” Abby sighed, “she just keeps calling for you.”

“I’m on my way,” Bellamy said. She heard a door close and then he hung up. With a deep breath, she walked back into Clarke’s room, where the little girl was still curled in the fetal position crying. Nyko was stroking her hair gently, and her cries were less hysterical, more like whimpers. Abby smiled at Nyko gratefully and he stood up, walking over to Abby. 

“Who’s Bellamy?” he asked softly, trying not to disturb Clarke.

“He’s the older brother of her best friend, they’re all very close,” Abby explained quickly, not wanting to delve any further into the topic. Nyko seemingly picked up on that and didn’t press any further. Abby glanced at her daughter, still holding her belly and crying softly, and rubbed her forehead with a sigh. 

“Would you stay with her while I go get a cup of coffee?” Abby asked. “It’s going to be a long night.”

“Of course, it’s a quiet night,” Nyko agreed. Abby grinned wryly at that- it was usually a quiet night in a town as small as theirs. 

“Would you like anything?” Abby asked as she turned to leave, but Nyko just shook his head and went back to Clarke, still trying to get her to let him run some tests, or even just touch her belly. She refused stoutly. 

It was a few minutes later, on her way back with the coffee, that Abby heard the shouting. She had hurried ahead, only to see Bellamy, breathing heavily- probably from biking from his house- and red in the face, yelling at Cristal.

“Let me see her! She was crying for  _ me _ !” he was insisting, clearly too distressed to worry about being respectful.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Blake, but you are not on Ms. Griffin’s emergency-” Cristal tried to say calmly. Bellamy cut her off with an irritated groan and tried a different approach, forcibly calming himself.

“ _ Please _ ,” he begged. “Just tell me where she is. I just need to see her. Please.”

“I’m very sorry, but-”

“Cristal,” Abby had cut in, hurrying over to the desk. “It’s ok, he’s a friend of-” 

“Bellamy!” Clarke cried from behind Abby, who had spun around to see her daughter, who’d been curled in the fetal position for over half an hour, standing outside the door to her room. Her tearstained face broke into a tearful smile as she broke into a run, tearing past Abby and launching herself straight into Bellamy’s waiting arms. He closed his eyes, one hand on the back of her head as relief flooded his features. 

That was it. That was the moment Abby knew. The moment she could no longer call Clarke her own.

And now, 11 years later, looking at the phone number on her screen, Abby wonders if she’s just kidding herself saying it was then. Maybe she lost Clarke the instant she met Octavia. Or when Clarke first stepped foot in the Blake’s house. Maybe it was the first time she sent a check with her daughter, feeling guilty about offloading her on them. Or perhaps Clarke had never truly been hers, and Abby was just a placeholder until Clarke found the Blakes. Abby isn’t sure if she’ll ever truly know when she lost her daughter, but the instant her sick daughter dragged herself out of bed and threw herself into Bellamy’s arms when she wouldn’t even let Abby touch her… that was when Abby gave up. 

“Where’d you go just now?” the man beside Abby asks gently. Abby sighs.

“That night at the hospital, the night I lost her,” she answers truthfully. The man nods understandingly. She meets his gaze. “I don’t know if I can do this, Marcus.”

“I think it’s important that you do,” Marcus Kane counters, his tone soft but insistent. Abby takes a deep breath and calls the number, holding the phone up to her ear. Kane smiles and squeezes her hand. The phone rings and rings and Abby’s hopes of Clarke answering sink with each ring.

“She’s not answering,” Abby whispers. 

“Just leave a voicemail saying you want to talk,” Kane coaches gently. She nods closing her eyes and breathing deeply as Clarke’s voice comes through the phone, asking the caller to leave a number and laughing as her friends goof off in the background. It’s a new voicemail. She sounds happy, and Abby smiles.

“Hi, sweetie- Clarke,” she corrects hurriedly, “it’s Abby.” She knows better than to call herself her mother. “I- I was hoping we could talk. Maybe over lunch sometime? Please let me know. I- let me know,” she finishes awkwardly. She hangs up the phone and closes her eyes, leaning her head back.

“I’m so proud of you, Abby,” Kane tells her, pressing a kiss to her hand. Abby smiles at him and wonders if she just made a big mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make my day and encourage me to write!


	8. storm to weather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets a call from Abby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knowwwww I know I know I'm late again i'm sorry school's insane right now

“Victory!” Clarke laughs as, with a final push, Raven topples off of Finn’s shoulders and into the water. Finn pushes his hair out his face, a sour look on his face. Clarke smiles at him, her fingers playing absentmindedly with Bellamy’s wet curls.

“Oh, c’mon Finn, don’t be a sore loser,” she teases playfully. Finn just pouts at her and she laughs again. 

“Ok, anyone else wanna challenge us or have you all accepted that we’re the champions of chicken fights?” Bellamy taunts the others, bouncing Clarke lightly as he rests his hands on her knees.

“Yeah, fat chance of that happening,” Octavia growls, grinning as she walks over to a panting Finn. “Get down, Collins.” Finn sighs, but smirks and drops under the water so Octavia can climb on his shoulders.

“You good for another round?” Clarke checks as the other pair gets situated. Bellamy scoffs.

“Oh, I can go all day Princess,” he replies, jumping a little. Clarke laughs again and then Finn and Octavia are shouting that they’re ready. Without hesitation, Bellamy charges them. Instinctively, Clarke tightens her hold on him, hooking her feet around his back as she holds out her hands, ready for the collision. The pairs grapple for a bit before, in sync, Bellamy and Clarke both shove their counterpart to the side. That does it, and Octavia and Finn crash into the water. 

“Undefeated!” Bellamy shouts, bouncing Clarke as she chuckles. The rest of the group exchange a look as the defeated duo resurface. Clarke’s stomach plummets, but Bellamy squeezes her knee, whispers, “We got this,” and then all five of them are charging the pair. Clarke kicks at them, trying to help from her too-high position, but within a minute, she and Bellamy are dropping back into the water. Clarke, laughing, releases her hold on Bellamy. He stands up, shaking out his hair and laughing as well. 

“That wasn’t fair,” Clarke complains, still grinning. Raven shrugs and Octavia smirks. Finn still looks unhappy, but Clarke chooses to ignore it. His issues with Bellamy are just that-  _ his.  _ She pushes her hair back, out of her face, then turns toward the bank, wading out of the water.

“Clarke, where you going?” Octavia calls after her and Clarke smiles over her shoulder.

“Just checking the time,” she lies. But she can’t fool Bellamy.

“Clarke, it’s still too early for him to have posted grades. It probably won’t happen for a few days,” he calls. She flushes and runs out of the water. She knows he’s right, but whatever. Grinning, she reaches for her phone, drying her fingers quickly on her towel before turning it on. The grin falls off her face and her heart drops into her stomach when she sees the notification. She has a missed call. A missed call from  _ Abby _ . Who she hasn’t spoken to in over half a year. Hasn’t seen in nearly a full one. Clarke swallows thickly, her throat already feeling like it’s closing up. What does she want? Why is she calling Clarke? What does she  _ want _ ? Clarke can’t breathe. She feels claustrophobic, even though she’s outside. She’s vaguely aware of someone calling her name and of dropping to her knees, but she can’t think about anything other than her inability to breathe and  _ why the fuck _ is Abby calling her. Clarke closes her eyes tightly, trying to block out the memories that threaten to drown her. Someone is in front of her, their hands on her shoulders, and Clarke knows they’re telling her to breathe but she just  _ can’t _ . 

-

Bellamy chuckles to himself as he watches Clarke jog over to their stuff, shaking his head. Patience has never been Clarke’s strong suit. He sees the instant it happens, right after she picks up her phone. Her shoulders tense, then her knees give out and she’s dropping to the ground. His stomach twists.  _ Shit _ . Clarke’s been having panic attacks for years, since right after Jake left. But she hasn’t had one- at least not one he knew of- in months. And that can only mean one thing-  _ Abby _ . Bellamy’s already running out of the water, the others frowning in confusion, but he doesn’t care to answer. He just needs to get to Clarke.

He’s there in seconds, sliding onto his knees in front of her, his hands on her shoulders. Her eyes are squeezed shut and she’s rocking slightly, her phone still in her hand. Bellamy takes it from her gently, glancing down at the screen. She has a missed call and it’s from Abby. “ _ Fuck _ ,” Bellamy whispers, setting the phone aside and truning all his attention back to Clarke, setting his hands on the sides of her neck, the pads of his thumbs brushing lightly over her cheekbones.

“Clarke, I need you to take a deep breath for me, ok?” She just shakes her head and Bellamy sighs. The others are here now, and Finn’s kneeling next to Clarke, looking more annoyed than concerned. Bellamy shoots a glance at Octavia, and she seemingly understands, setting a hand on Finn’s shoulder and murmuring about giving them space. Finn doesn’t look happy about it, but he stands up and walks a few feet away. Bellamy refocuses on Clarke.

“Clarke? It’s ok, you’re fine. I just need you to take a deep breath really quick,” He instructs, moving one hand to just below her collarbone. “On the count of ten, you’re going to lift my hand up ok?” Clarke manages a small nod, showing she understands and Bellamy starts to count slowly. By the time he reaches 6, Clarke is managing to suck in a shallow breath. By 10, she’s visibly calmed down and can take a real breath. Bellamy repeats the exercise three more times before Clarke opens her eyes. She’s back.

“Wh-what happened?” she asks, her voice shaking.

“You had a panic attack. Do you know why?” Bellamy asks gently. The others come closer, forming a half-circle behind Bellamy. Clarke takes another deep breath and nods.

“Abby called me and I freaked a little,” she says softly. “I don’t know why, I’ve been fine for months, but I saw her name and I just-”   
  


“Hey,” Bellamy says, interrupting her rambling. “It’s ok. You just got triggered, which is totally normal. Especially when she leaves you a voicemail out of blue after like 7 months.” Clarke nods, knowing Bellamy is right. 

“I’m ok now,” she assures the group. “I was just surprised and then everything just came flooding back, and… I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Bellamy asks, searching her eyes. She smiles and nods, standing up.

“She said she’s good,” Finn says, taking Clarke’s hand and tugging her gently away. She smiles reassuringly at Bellamy and then lets Finn lead her back to the water.

Bellamy sighs, rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes. He feels Octavia’s hand on his shoulder and looks up.

“He didn’t even care,” Bellamy growls, his voice low as he watches Finn pull Clarke to him, both of them waist deep in the water. Octavia squeezes his shoulder. “She was having a fucking panic attack and he was just annoyed.”

“I know, Bell,” his sister says softly. Most people would feel uncomfortable standing witness to the intense sibling moment, but Raven and Jonty are a part of the family too, and they all know it.

“She deserves so much better,” Bellamy mutters, standing up. 

“No shit,” Jasper mutters. Bellamy blinks, surprised. He thought everyone in their group loved Finn.

“What-”

“You don’t seriously think we like him, do you?” Octavia asks, her brow furrowed. Bellamy shrugs.

“Never seemed to me like you didn’t,” he replies. Octavia rolls her eyes and Jasper lets out a sharp laugh, Monty smirking lightly. “You don’t?”

“God no,” Monty mutters, his gaze shifting to Clarke and Finn. “The guy’s a dick.”

“Then why the fuck is she with him?” Bellamy demands, almost accusingly, and Raven scoffs.

“Because  _ she _ likes him,” Octavia grumbles, clearly bothered by her best friend’s horrible taste. Bellamy is shocked, wondering how they’ve never had this conversation before. Then, looking around the group, he realizes that they have. He just wasn’t a part of it.

“You guys should have done something, told her, stopped her,” Bellamy criticizes, and Jasper laughs again.

“Yeah, because anyone can tell  _ Clarke _ what to do,” Raven grumbles, drawing in the sand with her toe. 

“She cares about our opinions,” Bellamy retorts.

“She’s happy with him, Bell,” Octavia says softly. “We may not like him, but when you tried to tell her that it didn’t go too well. So we decided to just let it play out, let her realize what a dick he is on her own.”

“Didn’t work out too well,” Monty explains. “He’s always attentive and sweet when she’s around. Never an outright dick to any of us. So we may not love him, but Clarke does. As long as he’s still good to her, we shouldn’t butt in.” Bellamy’s chest tightens at the implication that Clarke loves Finn. He knows they’ve said it to each other, that they do, supposedly, love each other. But that doesn’t mean he has to like it. Bellamy debates telling the group about what he heard Finn saying earlier, but decides not to. He wants to talk to Clarke first.

“Well at least I’m not the only one who sees it,” he says instead. “We should get back over there.” 

“ _ We _ will. You take a second, ok?” Octavia suggests, squeezing Bellamy’s arm gently. He nods and watches as the group runs back to the water, tackling Finn and Clarke all at once. Bellamy smiles at their antics and runs a hand through his hair, pushing it back out of his eyes.

  
He needs to tell Clarke what happened. He’s sure of that much. What he’s _not_ sure of is when the right time is. Maybe he should wait, let her deal with Abby and all that shit, then talk to her later. _But_ , the longer he waits, the longer she’s still with _him_. Bellamy sighs, rubbing his temple. Clarke looks over at him, her brow furrowing in concern, then she smiles and waves him over. He forces a smile and jogs back to the group, trying to ignore the thoughts whirling around his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love your comments please keep them coming!!


	9. it kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another flashback cause apparently that's all I can write. Bellamy's sweet and protective, Abby's a bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna run out of song lyrics yikesss XD  
> Comment below song suggestions for chapter titles/insipration!

“All good?” Bellamy murmurs in Clarke’s ear as he joins them. He watches her reaction carefully, taking note of how her eyes flit to his and then back away quickly, and how she takes a breath and swallows before smiling and nodding. She’s not all good, but she definitely wants him to drop it. So he does, despite not wanting to. Clarke clears her throat and Finn pulls her further into his side, away from Bellamy. Bellamy clenches his jaw, but says nothing.

“Finn was just telling us about this party later,” Octavia informs Bellamy, trying to break the tense silence hanging around them. Bellamy sees Clarke flash her a grateful smile before looking at him.

“Yeah, his friend Monroe is throwing it. Maybe you can come for a bit before heading back to Trikru,” she suggests. Bellamy doesn’t miss the way Finn’s fingers tighten slightly on her waist, or how she looks up at him, brow furrowed, before he gives her a quick kiss and smiles at her. Clarke, seemingly reassured, relaxes again. Finn just glares at Bellamy.

“Sounds fun. I don’t have anything else to do tonight,” Bellamy replies, enjoying the way Finn’s eyes narrow and his jaw clenches. “Besides, if last night was any indication, you idiots’ll need someone to watch after you.” At that, Raven groans loudly.

“No way. I am  _ not _ drinking tonight,” she insists. The rest of the group exchange skeptical glances, and Raven shoves Jasper into the water. Things escalate quickly, and soon they’re all just splashing and having fun. That lasts for a while before Finn pulls Clarke away, over to some rock and they sit together, laughing and chatting. Bellamy’s chest burns at the sight of them. Raven and Octavia decide to take their towels and lie on the little beach, and Jasper and Monty continue to wrestle. Bellamy wades over to shallower water, sitting down and leaning back against a conveniently placed rock as he watches them (mainly focused on Finn and Clarke if he’s being honest). He lets his mind wander, finding himself thinking about the day he moved Clarke out of her house.

Clarke sat in the seat next to him, squished between her and Octavia. Bellamy had debated getting a new car several times, to make it easier for the girls and their friends, but a) he definitely didn’t have the spare money, and b) they seemed to like the old pickup just fine. Monty and Jasper would usually just ride in the bed whenever they got a ride. Given the size of their town, the group could walk mostly everywhere. Clarke always seemed perfectly content to squeeze into the middle seat.

That morning, they had all woken up sprawled on the living room couch, Clarke snuggled into Bellamy’s chest with Octavia’s head in her lap. Bellamy had woken up first and grinned at his girls, both still fast asleep. He had brushed Clarke’s hair out of her face, his chest swelling as he looked at her. He gently traced the mark on her cheek, anger flashing through him, quickly quelled with the reminder that he was getting her out of there today. He had stayed in place, softly stroking Clarke’s hair as he turned on a quiet show on the tv, not wanting to wake the girls.

It was about 45 minutes until Clarke had finally stirred, Octavia following closely behind. Then, Bellamy had gotten up and made them all a waffle breakfast, feeling celebratory. The morning went by normally, it was only when they had all piled into the truck that a tense silence had taken over, blanketing them all.

Clarke was drumming her fingers on a bouncing thigh as they turned onto her road, looking lost deeply in thought. Octavia had her forehead pressed to the window, practically buzzing with energy. Bellamy had reached over and squeezed Clarke’s knee reassuringly. She shot him a grateful smile before refocusing on the road. She took a deep breath when they turned into her driveway, and Bellamy smiled when he saw Octavia take her hand. They had walked up to the house together, a Blake on either side of Clarke, flanking her. Abby was not going to touch her. Bellamy had knocked on the door once, twice, three times before the woman finally answered, looking entirely unbothered. She completely ignored the siblings, instead focusing her hard stare on Clarke.

“Can we come in or not?” Octavia had asked irritably after a second. Abby had narrowed her eyes at the brash girl, but let them inside. Bellamy had instantly started pulling Clarke toward the stairs leading to her room, but Abby placed herself in front of them.

“I’d like to speak to my daughter,” she’s said coldly. Clarke’s hand tightened in Bellamy’s.

“Not happening,” Octavia answered for her. Abby glared at her, then looked directly at Clarke.

“It will be happening, Ms. Blake. You and your brother may go pack up her stuff, but I need to have a few words with my daughter.”

“ _ Clarke _ is not interested in talking to you,” Bellamy had all but growled, nudging Clarke further behind him.

“I don’t care. If she wants to go live with you  _ without _ me filing a lawsuit, she will,” Abby had insisted, her eyes hard. Bellamy was ready to fight, but Clarke’s soft voice stopped him.

“Bell, it’s fine. I’ll be fine,” she’d assured him, letting go of his hand and stepping forward. Octavia and Bellamy exchanged a glance, both ready to take Clarke that instant and never look back. But they couldn’t. So, they allowed Abby to lead Clarke into the other room and shut the door, Bellamy staring after them.

“She’ll be ok,” Octavia said softly, her hand on Bellamy’s arm. “C’mon we should go get her stuff so we can go as soon as possible.” Bellamy had nodded, swallowed thickly, and allowed himself to be pulled up the stairs. 

It was 15 minutes later, when Clarke walked into the room as he and Octavia were shoving clothes into two large suitcases Abby had provided, that Bellamy knew he had screwed up. Looking shaken, Clarke had refused to say a word while she quickly packed up more personal items into a backpack. 

10 minutes later, they were done packing. Clarke stopped at the entrance to her bedroom, glanced around a final time, and then slammed the door shut. As she brushed past Bellamy, he saw unshed tears in her eyes. Abby was nowhere to be seen as they left the house and put all the bags in the truck bed. Bellamy thought he saw her peeking out the window as they pulled out of the driveway, but he wasn’t sure. 

Clarke remained silent the entire drive back to their house, despite Octavia pestering her for a solid three minutes before giving up and leaning against the window again. Bellamy was continually looking at her throughout the drive. He knew she noticed, but she never looked back at him, staring at her hands instead.

They spent the rest of the day settling Clarke into Octavia’s room, which was basically half-filled with her stuff already, and then watching The Office. Clarke remained quiet throughout it all, saying the bare minimum required. The siblings were worried about her, but Octavia backed off a little, realizing Clarke would talk to them when she was ready. Bellamy didn’t, and cornered her later when Octavia ran upstairs to take a shower after Bellamy ‘accidentally’ spilled his soda all over her. They had decided to order in pizza for dinner, and Clarke nibbled at a slice while Bellamy worked up the nerve to confront her.

“What happened, Clarke?” he asked gently. She stiffened, suspending the pizza midair before setting it down on her plate.

“Nothing,” she lied, picking at the crust and avoiding his gaze. Bellamy shifted his position on the couch, so his whole body was angled towards her.

“I know that’s not true, Princess. Please, just talk to me,” he begged, his desperation and concern growing.

“It was nothing, Bell,” she insisted again. He sighed irritably.

“ _ Clarke _ ,” he said again, and this time she looked up at him, eyes glassy with tears. “Please.”

“It-” she cut herself off with a soft sob, and Bellamy’s heart broke. He was at her side in an instant, moving her plate onto the coffee table and pulling her to his chest, tracing circles in her back in what he hoped was a reassuring way.

“It’s ok, Princess, you can tell me,” he prompted.

“God, it was just Abby being Abby,” Clarke whispered, sounding utterly destroyed. Bellamy forced himself to keep his emotions in check.

“What do you mean, Clarke?” he pressed gently. She sighed heavily.

“It’s just what she does- she made me feel like I would never be enough for you and Octavia, like I wasn’t enough for my dad. Like I’m unlovable or something,” she murmured, tears wetting Bellamy’s shirt now as his heart shattered even further. “She just- she knows how to get to me and I  _ let _ her.” Clarke was fully crying then, trying her hardest to stay quiet for Octavia’s sake. Bellamy shushed her, still rubbing her back.

“Clarke, she’s wrong,” he whispered into her hair after a second. “You are  _ everything _ to me and O. Abby is why your dad left,  _ Abby _ is the unlovable one. You’re perfect, Princess.” She didn't say anything else, just nodded and continued crying into his chest. Then they heard the shower turn off and Clarke picked herself up, excusing herself to the bathroom to compose herself. A few minutes later, Octavia came thumping down the stairs, wet hair pulled up into a messy bun, frowning at Clarke’s absence. Octavia plopped onto the couch next to her brother, fixing him with a level stare.

“Is she ok?” she asked quietly, as if she was scared of Bellamy’s answer. He debated a second before replying,

“She will be.” Octavia nodded, and then Clarke came back and the topic didn’t come up again, the rest of the night fun and celebratory, as it should be.

Bellamy wonders now, not for the first time, what would have happened if he and Octavia hadn’t gotten Clarke out of that house when they did. He’s glad he doesn’t know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof I hope you enjoyed!! It was paiful to write, but so much worse from Clarke's perspective....


	10. i fell by the wayside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving out of Abby's house.... from Clarke's perspective. What DID Abby say to her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - this was a son of a bitch to write so please tell me what you think!!

Clarke tries to pay attention to what Finn is saying, she really does. It’s just that between Bellamy’s eyes on her and Abby’s unheard message, it’s hard to concentrate of Dax’s latest idiotic, drunken hookup, or Mbege’s most recent crazy stunt at a party. Finn doesn’t seem to notice that her mind is elsewhere, however, instead just continuing to ramble on. Clarke glances over at Bellamy, again, and his eyes are still glued to her, his gaze dark and angry, and she can tell he’s deeply lost in thought. She swallows hard and looks back at Finn. She still feels shaky after her attack, but the last thing she wanted to do is wallow.

“Clarke?” Finn’s finally noticed how out of it she is, and she focuses back on him, blinking.

“Yeah?” she asks, hoping he won’t press her. He doesn’t.

“You seem a little out of it, still freaked about the test?” Her shoulders relax when he gives her the easy out, nodding tiredly. Finn squeezes her hand. “I’m sure you did great. You gotta relax, babe. Maybe the party later will help.” Clarke’s stomach twists at the thought of the party, but she forces an excited smile. She knows Finn really wants to go.

“Hopefully,” she replies lightly. 

“Oh my god at this party last week, Mbege-” and just like that, Finn’s back to talking about his friends’ antics. Clarke lets her mind wander. She doesn’t really want to go to this party tonight, she’d much rather curl up with her friends and hopefully Bell and watch an old movie. But Finn wants to go and Finn wants  _ her _ to go, and she loves Finn. So she’ll go, make an appearance, she’ll come up with an excuse and leave. Hopefully that’ll be enough for Finn.

Clarke’s gaze lands on Bellamy again, and he’s finally looking somewhere other than her. His head is tilted back, face turned toward the sky. He’s clearly lost in thought, and somehow Clarke knows he’s thinking back to when they were younger, when she could tell him anything. Clarke chews on her lip thoughtfully. There was only ever one thing she truly, intentionally kept to herself, even after he outright asked her.

Clarke had been a bundle of nerves that day, thought that she might actually throw up as they pulled into her driveway. She inhaled slowly and carefully, feeling dizzy. Octavia took her hand gently, squeezing it reassuringly. Clarke knew Bellamy was watching her, and tried to keep her face as neutral as possible. The siblings were glued to her side, Octavia’s arm looped through Clarke’s and Bellamy’s hand on her back, as they approached the house. Bellamy had removed his hand to knock on the door and Clarke wanted to run. There was no answer. Clarke didn’t know if she was relieved or terrified. He had to knock two more times before her mother finally answered, face expressionless. Abby disregarded Bellamy and Octavia entirely, instead fixing Clarke with an icy glare.

“Can we come in or not?” Octavia had snapped after a moment. Abby had glared, but stepped aside to let them inside. If it weren’t for Bellamy’s hand on her back and Octavia’s squeezing her arm, Clarke would’ve bolted then and there. Bellamy had then instantly taken Clarke’s hand, guiding her toward the staircase, but Abby blocked their path.

“I’d like to speak to my daughter,” she’s demanded. Clarke’s stomach twisted and she tightened her grip on Bellamy’s hand.

“Not happening,” Octavia snapped before Clarke could formulate a reply. Abby’s cold glare flicked to the girl before settling back on Clarke.

“It will be happening, Ms. Blake,” Abby seethed, her voice controlled. It still sent a shiver down Clarke’s spine. “You and your brother may go pack up her stuff, but I need to have a few words with my daughter.”

“ _ Clarke _ is not interested in talking to you,” Bellamy growled as he nudged her further behind him.

“I don’t care. If she wants to go live with you  _ without _ me filing a lawsuit, she will,” Abby had threatened. Clarke swallowed hard. The Blake’s would fight tooth and nail for her, she knew that, but they would lose in a legal battle. They didn’t have the resources Abby did. Clarke could tell that Bellamy was ready to argue, but she knew she had to stop him.

“Bell, it’s fine. I’ll be fine,” she’d said softly, letting go of his hand and stepping forward, despite wanting nothing but to run back to the car and leave. Clarke avoided looking at them as Abby led her into the living room and shut the door. Clarke said nothing, bracing herself for whatever was coming.

“So you’re really leaving, then?” Abby asked, voice cold and harsh. Clarke raised her chin defiantly, meeting her mother’s gaze.

“Yes,” she said simply. Abby’s eyes narrowed, then she sighed.

“Fine. You’ll be back eventually, in any case,” she said airily. Clarke frowned at that, knew she was being baited. But she couldn’t help it.

“No, I won’t,  _ Abby _ . Bellamy and O are my family, and their place is more of a home than this house ever was,” Clarke snapped, letting venom seep into her voice. Abby let out a humorless, pitying laugh.

“Oh, Clarke,” Abby chastised, clicking her tongue. “How long do you think that’ll last, hm? A month? Two?” 

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked before she could stop herself. She was falling for it, doing just what Abby wanted, but she couldn’t stop herself. Abby’s eyes glinted victoriously.

“Clarkey, how long do you think it’ll take for them to get tired of you? Till they decide they’ve had enough and kick you to the curb?”

“They won’t. They haven’t yet,” Clarke argued weakly, but she was slipping, losing. Abby looked almost sad for her, eyes full of condescending pity.

“Oh, they  _ will _ , Clarke. Your own father even got sick of you. That’s why he left, he had had enough.” Abby’s words stabbed directly into Clarke’s heart like icy daggers, and she felt tears spring to her eyes. She shook her head.

“No, no, they aren’t like that, they love me,” Clarke said, more for her benefit than Abby’s.

“No, they feel sorry for you,” Abby bit out, venom adding a sharp edge to her words. “They feel sorry for you because you have no one. And you never will. No one but  _ me _ Clarke.  _ I’m _ the one who’s stuck by you,  _ I’m _ the one that loves you. I’m the only one who can. Don’t forget that, Clarke,” Abby had lowered her voice to a whisper for the last sentence and Clarke shivered again, tears running down her cheeks now. She tried to hold it together, and she did, long enough for Abby to press a kiss to her forehead, whisper goodbye ( _ for now _ , she hissed), and disappear through another door. 

It was only then, when Clarke was alone, that she let herself go. She sank to her knees, arms wrapped tightly around herself, and let out heaving, gut-wrenching sobs. Abby was right. She was unlovable, she was just a pity case for the Blakes. No one could ever truly love her, not for long. Her own father left her. No one stuck around, no one could tolerate Clarke long enough to. She was broken, and people could tell. That’s why they left her, because she wasn’t worth fixing. 

Clarke cried till she had no tears left, then picked herself up and went to the bathroom to wash up. She didn’t want Bellamy and Octavia to know she had been crying. Maybe it wouldn’t last, but she wanted to be a part of their family as long as she could. As long as they could tolerate her.

Clarke shivers now, despite the warm sunshine beating down on her, remembering Abby’s words. She knew they weren’t true, she knew that now. But it took a long time for her to realize it. To realize it was Abby, not her, that was the problem. Clarke wasn’t unlovable, Abby was just incapable of loving. That was what drove her father away, not anything Clarke did. It was Bellamy who finally helped her accept that. His words from later that night were echoed over the years, either by him or in her own mind.

“ _ You are  _ everything _ to me and O. Abby is why your dad left,  _ Abby _ is the unlovable one. You’re perfect, Princess _ .” The words, originally whispered into her hair, had stuck with her, with them. 

“ _ You are  _ everything _ to me and O _ .” That was what he would murmur to her when she spiraled into a black hole of self-loathing and hatred.

“ _ Abby is why your dad left,  _ Abby  _ is the unlovable one _ .” Those were the words angrily whispered whenever she would sink back into self-blame and start to believe the mantra her mother had drummed into her, “ _ you are unlovable _ ”, again.

“ _ You’re perfect, Princess _ .” Spoken softly into her hair as he comforted her after an attack or hummed reassuringly whenever she doubted herself, this was what he repeated the most. 

“Hey!” Finn’s voice snapped her back to the present and she blinked at him. “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you Princess?” Finn grins gently at her, and she realizes she had totally spaced out. A blush creeping into her cheeks, she smiles apologetically as another shiver runs through her. Clarke looks away from Finn, swallowing thickly and hurriedly blinking away tears. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked reading that more than I liked writing it!   
> Please please please leave a comment and tell me what you thought!


	11. went little by little by little

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Girl talk and angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's still reading, I love this story so much and your support means the world to me!!

“I’m sorry, I’m just totally wiped,” Clarke sighs, looking up at him with a smile that feels too fake. Finn doesn't seem to notice, though. He grins and leans in to kiss her quickly, taking her hand and squeezing it.

“It’s fine, babe. You wanna go back to your room and like take a nap or something?” he offers. Clarke shakes her head, though, running a hand through her hair.

“No, no, I’m happy to be here,” she insists. She looks over to where Octavia and Raven are lying on the beach, chatting. “I think I might go join the girls for a bit, though.” Finn pouts exaggeratedly, and Clarke laughs, leaning up to give him a kiss. Then she drops his hand and leaves to join her friends, Finn sighing dramatically behind her.

“Scootch,” Clarke orders, poking Raven in the side with her toe. The girls obey, making room for Clarke to plop down next to them with a tired groan. She lies back with an arm thrown over her eyes. Then she uncovers her face and looks at Raven and Octavia. “So what’re we talking about?”

“What do you think?” Raven snorts. Octavia glares at her, and Clarke grins, sitting up.

“Lincoln?” Clarke guesses, and Octavia blushes, a rare occurrence that’s lately been reserved for the quiet art student Octavia’s completely fallen for. He’s sweet and gentle and thoughtful and somehow completely perfect for her, despite being almost polar opposites. 

“Shut up, both of you,” Octavia hisses, looking over at Bellamy. He’s lying on his back in the water, eyes closed.

“He’s not paying any attention to us,” Raven argues. “Plus, you’ll have to tell him sooner or later.”

“I choose later.”

“Well Linc hates Finn, so Bellamy’s probably going to like him.” Clarke stiffens at Raven’s words, and Octavia’s eyes widen slightly. Raven instantly looks guilty, “Hey, I didn’t mean-”

“It’s fine, Rae. I know Bell doesn’t like him, he’s never exactly tried to hide it,” Clarke sighs, looking over at him again. “Finn doesn’t like him either. They just need to deal with it, cause I love them both.” Clarke doesn’t miss the look Raven and Octavia exchange, but she chooses to ignore it. 

“Anyway,” Clarke says, changing the subject, “is Lincoln coming to the party tonight?” Octavia reaches over to grab her phone, squinting at the screen.

“Still no reply. Pretty sure he’s got a class right now. I kind of hope he isn’t, I’m not sure he’s Bellamy-ready yet.” Raven and Clarke both roll their eyes at that.

“Please, you’re pretty much obsessed with him, Octavia. And he’s even more so with you. If it wasn’t so sweet, it would be creepy,” Raven teases. Octavia sighs and chews on her lip, watching her brother.

“Yeah maybe you’re right. If he comes to that party tonight I’ll introduce them. Besides, I’m not a little girl anymore. Bell knows that. Plus he’s way too preoccupied with you, Clarke, to worry about me right now.”

“O, you know that’s bullshit,” Clarke argues. “You’re actually his sister, I’m just the kid he took in because he felt bad for me.” Clarke didn’t mean for it to sound how it did, but the other girls picked up on it instantly, raising their eyebrows.

“Wow,” Octavia says. “You are full of so much shit.”

“Oh come on, you know I didn’t mean-” Clarke starts, but Octavia doesn’t let her get any further.

“And  _ you _ know you're as much a part of this family as I am,” she insists, eyes fierce. Clarke smiles gently.

“I know, O. I was kidding,” she reassures Octavia, whose eyebrows are still wrinkled in a small frown, but doesn’t argue any further.

“ _ Anyway _ ,” Raven cuts in. “About this party tonight. Who’s throwing it, again?”

“Monroe.” Octavia’s eyes light up. “Ooh that means Harper’ll be there.” All three girls turn to look at Jasper and Monty, who are half heartedly throwing floating chunks of seaweed at each other as they lounge in the water. Monty has harbored a ridiculous crush on Harper since the beginning of Freshman year. Lately, they’ve been getting slightly more flirty, and at this point everyone’s ready for them to just  _ get together already for fucks’ sake _ . But neither of them want to make the first move, for fear of ruining their friendship. 

“God those two are such idiots,” Raven mutters. “They both like each other and they’re both just way to blind to see it.” Clarke sighs heavily and Raven and Octavia exchange a glance.

“You know, Luna will probably be there too,” Clarke points out, nudging Raven with her elbow. Raven smiles just at the mention of the girl’s name. Luna is a Junior in a couple of Raven’s class and Raven’s been completely in love with her all year.

“Yeah I don’t know that there’s anything there… I’m pretty sure she’s with that chick Lexa,” Raven counters with a shrug. Octavia and Clarke roll their eyes but don’t push it. Raven sighs, then looks at Clarke. “So, as the only one here with an  _ actual _ relationship- Octavia you haven’t told Bellamy yet, don’t look at me like that- how’re you doing?”

“Fine. Nothing special to share. Though, I’ll admit, I’m getting a little tired of Bellamy and Finn’s weird, silent brooding thing,” she sighs. She doesn’t notice the knowing look Raven and Octavia share. 

“Bell’s just protective, Clarke, you know that.” Clarke scoffs.

“Trust me, O, I’m fully aware. But it’s getting kind of ridiculous!” The other girls don’t argue with that. Raven clears her throat, looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable. 

“Clarke…” she starts slowly, cautiously, “speaking of him being protective, what happened earlier?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Clarke whispers, avoiding the other girls’ gazes. 

“Clarke-”

“I’m ready to go home now, get ready for the party and stuff,” Clarke interrupts, standing up and brushing some of the sand off of her before running and diving back into the lake. Octavia sighs and Raven flops down on her back.

“I’m an idiot, I shouldn’t have brought it up,” she groans. Octavia shakes her head.

“No, she needs to talk about it. Just not with us.” Octavia looks at her brother, who’s now watching Clarke wade over to Finn.

“And they think  _ we’re _ the idiots,” Raven mutters, following Octavia’s eyeline. Octavia snorts.

“The crazy thing is, I think they genuinely don’t realize they’re completely in love with each other. I don’t think they’ve ever considered the possibility in the slightest. I mean, hell, I’ve known since Clarke and I were 15. But they actually have no clue,” Octavia muses.

“Everyone else does,” Raven comments. Octavia grins at her. Clarke and Finn have apparently informed the others that she’s ready to go back, and no one appears to have a problem with that, because Jasper and Monty are wading out, occasionally shoving each other into the water as the walk, and Bellamy is standing out, shaking the water from his hair as he walks towards the girls. Finn and Clarke are grabbing her seemingly now-dry clothes off the rocks. Octavia and Raven sigh and fold up their blankets, walking over to where their clothes lay in the shade. 

“What do you get when you take Bellamy, Finn, Clarke, and a whole lotta booze?” Jasper mutters when he and Monty approach the girls.

“A disaster waiting to happen,” Monty replies, watching Finn and Clarke like the rest of them. Without looking at each other, Monty and Jasper raise their hands to do their signature hi-five. But despite the jokes, no one is especially looking forward to tonight. But even they could never guess what’s coming.

-

After an afternoon consisting of a quick lunch, movie, a few rounds of cards, and about an hour of prep time, the group is ready to leave. Roma’s dorm is just a few minutes walk away and the mood is light and fun as they walk through the campus. No one brings up Clarke’s attack or her mother, or the obvious tension between Finn and Bellamy. It’s taken all Bellamy has not to rip Clarke out of Finn’s arms and yell at her until she understands that  _ Finn doesn’t care _ . That he never did. But Bellamy can’t do that, because it’ll just result in Clarke getting pissed at  _ him _ instead, which he definitely does not want right now.

They shouldn’t even be coming to this party at all, not considering that less than seven hours ago, Clarke was having a fucking panic attack. But even if he wanted to say something, it’s too late. Because they’re at Monroe’s dorm, and music and laughter is thumping down the hall, guiding the group to her room. Despite it only being 8:30, there’s already countless drunken students, dancing and playing beer pong and other drinking games, etc. As they begin to enter the thick of it, Bellamy catches Clarke’s wrist, holding her back. Finn glares at him, but Clarke shoots him a look and he steps away, leaving her alone with Bellamy.

“Are you sure you’re ok? That this isn’t too much?” Bellamy asks, his voice low. Clarke looks unsure for a split second, broken even, as if she wants nothing but for Bellamy to drag her out of there and make her some hot chocolate and watch some old movie together. But then her expression hardens, and Bellamy’s not sure if she actually felt that way or he just imagined it because it’s what he wants to see. Clarke wrenches her wrist away, glaring at him now.

  
“I’m not a little kid, Bellamy,” she snaps. “I can take care of myself, so when I say I’m fine,  _ I’m fine _ !” Before Bellamy can reply, she spins on her heel and marches over to Finn, taking the red cup out of his hand and downing whatever it held. Bellamy sighs heavily. She’s upset, she’s freaked, and she definitely  _ should not be drinking _ . Clarke doesn’t seem to care, however, immediately accepting another cup from some random kid. She was never much of a drinker- she hated what it did to her, what it did to her parents. He can only remember a few times she actually truly  _ drank _ . They usually led to her worst spirals. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, i love it when you leave comments and/or kudos <3  
> Next chapter is a flashback that hurt so bad to write  
> Updates every 3-4 days!


	12. till there was nothing left at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's spiral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this hurt. I'm sorry.

It was late. Like,  _ really _ late. 3 am late. And yet his phone was ringing. Bellamy groaned loudly and flopped over to grab his phone, not even bothering to check who was calling.

“What?” he snapped irritably into the phone, his voice low and rough from sleep. Then he heard sniffles from the other end and snapped upright, wide awake. “Octavia?”

“B-Bellamy,” Octavia started, her voice cracking. “Bell, please  _ please _ don’t be mad right now, you can yell at me- us- later, but we really fucked up Bell, I don’t know what-”

“ _ Octavia! _ ” Bellamy snapped, concern adding a sharp edge to her name. “What the hell is going on?”

“It’s Clarke,” she whispered. Bellamy’s heart stopped. “Bell, we went to this party and we were drinking and she’s not hurt but-”

“Where are you?” He demanded, already getting out of bed and throwing on some sweatpants and a shirt. He’s got a pretty damn good idea of what’s going on.

“Our friend Lexa’s house.”

“Address, O,  _ now _ ,” he gritted out, trying his hardest not to scream at his sister as he ran down the stairs and grabbed his keys off the table. Octavia quickly told him the address, and Bellamy let out a breath of relief when he knew exactly where they were, and that they were close. “I’ll be there in ten minutes, O.”

“Ok.  _ Hurry _ .” And with that, Bellamy hung up the phone and jumped in his truck, slamming the door shut and tearing out of the driveway. He sped basically the entire way there, and made it to the house in just 7 minutes. He quickly parked the car and jumped out, ignoring the drunken high-schoolers, his only thought being  _ get to Clarke and O, I have to get to Clarke and O _ . He shoved through the crowd of idiots, huffing in irritation and then finally stopped. This wasn’t working.

“Alright everyone listen the  _ fuck up _ !” Bellamy shouted over the thumping music. Everyone froze. “THIS PARTY IS OVER! GET THE  _ FUCK _ OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!” he roared. The music stopped and a stunned silence passed over the crowd. “Well?!” With that, everyone scattered. No one stopped to question Bellamy, the authority in his voice and the wild look in his eyes enough to make everyone run for the hills. Bellamy sighed in relief as the path to the front door cleared, running in and yelling at people to leave as he passed them. 

In between kicking people out, Bellamy shouted for Octavia, his panic growing every time she didn’t reply. His thoughts were rapidly devolving into a single word-  _ Clarke _ . Her name swirls in his head, occupying the entirety of his consciousness. The faces around him blurred, the sounds all blending together into a roar of white noise. 

And then there was a hand on his arm, squeezing his forearm. “Bellamy.” Raven was the newest to their group, joining part way through freshman year. That was almost two years ago, but it was as if Raven had been there all along at that point.

“Where is she?” Is all Bellamy could manage. Raven pursed her lips, her brow furrowed. She tugged on his arm and he allowed her to pull him up the stairs. She stopped in front of a door, a girl Bellamy vaguely recognized standing a few feet away. Raven turned to Bellamy, looking uncharacteristically nervous. 

“Bellamy, I  _ know _ they’re in trouble for sneaking out, and I know we probably all are for letting this happen, but please save the scolding for later. Clarke… she’s in bad shape, she- You just have to see for yourself,” Raven sighed. And then, before Bellamy could respond, Raven opened the door and everything froze. 

Clarke was on the bed in the back right corner, rocking back and forth slowly with her knees pulled to her chest, her eyes squeezed shut. Octavia was beside her, hugging her tightly. Monty and Jasper were both knelt in front of Clarke, trying to talk to her. Bellamy sucked in a sharp breath at the sight, pulled away from Raven and rushed forward, pushing the boys aside as he took their place. Clarke’s breathing was shaky and staggered, her eyes closed tightly, her cheeks tear-stained.  _ Shit _ . It was a full-blown panic attack.

It wasn’t her first attack, and it was  _ far  _ from her last. But this was one of her worst. Her friends usually knew how to deal with it, how to help her. They were doing everything right, talking slowly to her, hugging her, not overwhelming her. But it wasn’t working. She was completely gone, so far over the edge they couldn’t reach her. Bellamy felt a flash of anger towards the group- they shouldn’t have let her drink, they shouldn’t have let her get this bad. But he knew it wasn’t their fault. It was Abby’s fault and it was Jake’s fault.  _ They’re  _ the ones who fucked her up, her friends were just trying to have fun.

“Everyone out,” Bellamy ordered, his voice rough. When Clarke got like this, he and Octavia were the only ones who had a shot of getting through to her. And Octavia wasn’t having much luck. No one needed to be told twice, hurrying out of the room. Everyone but Octavia, that is. Octavia stayed right where she was, Clarke held firmly in her arms. Bellamy didn’t even look at her. “Octavia get out.”

“But, Bellamy-” she started to protest, but Bellamy’s icy order, “ _ Out _ .  _ Now _ ,” nipped her objection in the bud. With a last kiss to Clarke’s cheek and a squeeze of her arms, she slipped off the bed and lightly brushed Bellamy’s shoulder as she passed him. He barely noticed, focused entirely on Clarke.

“Clarke,” Bellamy tried, keeping his voice low and gentle, speaking slowly. “Princess, I’m here.” He watched one eye slowly open, then the other, watched some of the tension leave her face when her mind registered his presence. “Hey, Princess.”

“Bellamy,” she whimpered, immediately unwinding herself and throwing her entire body at Bellamy. He caught her easily as she launched herself off the bed, his arms winding around her back as she buried her neck in his shoulder. Bellamy let out a shaky sigh. She wasn’t back, not even close, but she was  _ there _ , in his arms. Safe. 

He held her while she cried, rubbing her back and petting her hair and whispering to her with his chin on the top of her head. Her arms were pinned between the two of them, he was all that was holding her up from collapsing to the ground. Eventually, her heart-wrenching sobs turned into pitiful whimpers and then finally stopped all together, so she was just shaking in his arms. Bellamy let her stay like that for several more minutes before saying something.

“What happened?” he asked softly. Clarke shook her head under his chin and he held her tighter. “Clarke,  _ what happened _ ?”

“I- I-” she stammered before falling back into tears.

“Princess,  _ please _ , talk to me.” Bellamy pulled back slightly, tilting her chin up so she had to look at him. She took a deep, shuddering breath and met his gaze. “Just start from the beginning,” he prompted. She nodded and curled back into his chest, unable to look at him.

“We just wanted to have a fun, normal night. Lexa was throwing this party, and we’ve had this weird  _ thing _ all year and they convinced me to come- but it wasn’t their fault I promise! Bellamy, please don’t get mad at them, it was my idea too-”

“Clarke, no one is in trouble. Right now, I just need to know you’re ok,” he reassured her. “What happened?”

“We came here, and I wasn’t going to drink, I  _ wasn’t _ , but…” Clarke trailed off and Bellamy’s heart clenched, prepared for the worst. “Then I remembered.”

“Remembered what, Princess?”

“It’s been seven years, Bell,” she whispered. “He left seven years ago. So I got drunk and just lost it.” She looked up at him, eyes glossy with unshed tears. “It was my fault, Bellamy. I’m the reason he left, I wasn’t enough for him. My mom was right.”

“Clarke,  _ no _ ,” Bellamy whispered, gently tucking stray strands of hair behind her ear. She nodded, sniffing and dropping her gaze away from his.

“It was, though, it  _ was _ . If I had just been  _ better _ , more  _ lovable _ , he would have stayed! He was with my mom for years before I even came along, it  _ couldn't have _ been her he  _ loved _ her and then I came and just fucked it all up like I fuck everything up! I fucked my parents up, I fucked Wells up, and worst of all I fucked  _ you _ up Bellamy, you and Octavia, I mean  _ god _ you put up with so much shit from me-”

“Stop!” Bellamy snapped suddenly, cutting off her tearful rant. He took her face in one hand, held it so tight it almost hurt, and forced her to meet his gaze. “ _ Stop _ , Clarke. None of that is your fault and you know that. Your dad left because your mom’s a bitch and he’s an asshole.  _ You _ were all that kept him around those ten years. His love for you was what kept him from leaving. And Octavia and I love you, you know that. You were the missing piece, Clarke. You made our family whole, and I’m just so sorry you had to lose yours to do it.” He released her face and pulled her tightly to his chest. He lowered his voice to a whisper, holding back tears. “ _ God _ , I’m so sorry.”

“No, no,  _ no _ , it’s my fault it’s all me, I push people away, I scare them off! Everyone leaves me, they just  _ leave _ .” She was quickly falling into a tearful hysteria, and there was nothing Bellamy could do but hold her. He couldn’t reach her, she couldn’t hear him. All she could hear was her mother’s voice telling her she wasn’t enough. Her voice quieted to a whimper, “Why wasn’t I enough? Why do they all leave me, Bellamy?”

“I don’t know, Princess,” he murmured. That was all he could say without falling apart. “I don’t know.”

“Please don’t leave me,” she whispered, her voice small and broken. That was what shattered him, and he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. Luckily, she was curled into him, his shirt balled in her hands, and her face pressed into his chest. She couldn’t see the hot, silent tears run down his cheeks, but she could feel when he swallowed thickly and took a deep breath.

“Never, Clarke,” he promised, squeezing her tighter and she shook. Clarke didn’t hear him over her mother’s words screaming in her mind. She didn’t feel his arms around her, just felt the hollow emptiness from her father’s absence. At this point, she didn’t even know he was there. She didn’t know  _ she _ was there. As far as she was concerned, she was 10 years old and being yelled at by her mother. Her dad was gone, that was all she knew. Her dad was gone and it was her fault.

Bellamy held her for nearly twenty minutes, until she finally wore herself out and passed out. It had been over an hour since he got to the house by the time he gathered her up in his arms, her entire body curling into his chest as he stood up. He carefully walked over to the door, tapping it with his foot until it opened. Octavia was on the other side, her face pinched in concern. Bellamy said nothing, just brushed past her and nodded to the others, who were sitting with their heads in their hands. They all stood up and followed him silently. When they reached the car, Octavia hurried over to open the passenger door and Bellamy gently lay Clarke down inside, her head by the driver’s seat. Then he carefully shut the door and turned to the group.

“Bellamy-” Octavia started, but he silenced her with an icy glare. The teens swallowed and braced themselves for the coming storm. But as Bellamy watched them, he just sighed and rubbed his face tiredly.

“Alright, hop in the back,” he muttered, walking around to the driver’s seat. He opened the door and climbed in carefully, lifting up Clarke’s head and resting it on his thigh as he started up the car. 

The other teens frowned and exchanged confused glances before hurriedly jumping into the truck bed. Bellamy pulled out onto the road once everyone was in, one hand absentmindedly stroking Clarke’s hair. She was curled on her side, her head resting on his leg. She was still shaking, her face often scrunching up in her sleep. He had to force himself to keep his gaze on the road and not her. The drive home took much longer, mostly because Bellamy was going nearly half the speed limit, not wanting to even risk jostling Clarke.

He was silent as they all climbed out of the car, silent as he gathered Clarke up in his arms, silent as he carried her up to her and Octavia’s room, silent as he lays her down and brushes the hair out of her face. Tomorrow was going to be painful. Bellamy sighed heavily and straightened to leave, but a soft hand on his wrist stopped him. He looked down at Clarke and saw bright blue eyes looking up at him, full of tears.

“Thank you, Bell’my,” Clarke whispered as her eyes closed again, skipping the ‘a’ in his name like she always had when she was little. Bellamy smiled at her and leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead, pulling the duvet up over her as he left and she slipped back into sleep. He sighed again and left the room. The group was just where he left them, standing in the living room staring at the floor. He swallows the leftover tears from dealing with Clarke and fixes all of them with a hard stare.

“Who wants to start?” he demanded, looking between the four faces.

“Bell, it was just a party-” Raven started, before being fixed with an icy glare.

“We didn’t realize that it was-” Octavia tried.

“ _ No _ , you didn’t,” Bellamy interrupted. “But even if it  _ wasn’t _ the anniversary of her dad  _ leaving her at ten years old _ , you all should have been smarter. She clearly wasn’t ok- since when does  _ Clarke _ drink? Never!” he answers for them angrily, keeping his voice low. “She  _ never _ drinks and you all know perfectly well why she doesn’t. That should’ve been your first sign to get her the hell out of there. Listen, I’m trying really hard not to be angry at you guys, ok? Because, shit, I  _ know _ it wasn’t your fault, that you couldn’t have prevented it but  _ fuck _ , you guys know all the shit Clarke deals with- has dealt with her whole life. You all know why she doesn’t drink, why she hates confrontation. So from now on, the  _ second _ Clarke starts drinking or anything like that, one of you calls me, got it?”

“Bell-” Octavia began, but Bellamy just shook his head.

“Not right now, O. I am not mad at any of you. I’m worried about Clarke and fucking tired, as I’m sure all of you are. So how about we all go to sleep and we can figure everything else out tomorrow, ok? I promise, no one’s in trouble. Rae, O, go sleep with Clarke, she’ll need you guys. Monty, Jasper, you can either join them or take the pull out.” The girls nodded and the boys exchanged a glance, a quick silent conversation, and then everyone headed upstairs. Bellamy couldn’t help but smile. If he knew them, the boys would be passed out on the floor and Clarke would be sandwiched between the two girls within ten minutes. 

  
Bellamy closed his eyes and took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. She’d be fine. She had to be. She had a great support system, she had her friends, her _family_. She’d be ok and god _damn_ it she would make it through this, out of this fucking town. She was going to go to college and live her life, and Bellamy would be damned if he let her parents ruin her life anymore than they already had. Clarke would be just fine, Bellamy was going to make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikesssssss I'm out of prepped stuff I need to get to writing!!


	13. would we be better off now...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the flashback, Finn's a douchebag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha I'm sorry. Also, idk how I feel about this chapter... most of it was written at 3 am and I was strangely uninspired. Sorryyyyy and hopefully the next one will be better! I think it will, I just needed a filler chapter to get there.

“Hey babe-” Finn’s eyes widen slightly when Clarke walks over to him and snatches the cup of beer out of his hand, promptly downing it. He’s never seen her drink much before, and certainly never like that. Clarke handed him back the now-empty cup with a satisfied huff. 

“Get me another?” she asked, and Finn blinked before nodding, a smirk growing on his face.

“Maybe something a little harder?” he suggested, taking Clarke’s hand. She shrugged and ran her free hand through her hair. 

“Whatever, I just need a drink.” Finn grins broadly and tugs her over to where all the drinks seem to be being made. Releasing her hand, he moves behind the counter and squats down, reappearing seconds later with an unopened bottle of tequila. Clarke raises her eyebrows, starting to question how smart this was, but the slight buzz coursing through her veins from Finn’s drink squashed the doubts. Finn comes back around the counter, taking her hand and tugging her through the crowd. Clarke feels Bellamy’s eyes on her and pointedly avoids looking at him.

“Finn, where are we going?” she giggles, allowing him to pull her out onto the fire escape, glaring at the few students hanging out there until they take the hint and move inside. Finn sits down on the stairs, tugging Clarke into his lap and breaking open the bottle of tequila before offering it to her.

“Thought you might like it better out here,” he tells her as she takes a long swig from the bottle, wincing at the burn of the alcohol. Finn quirks an eyebrow, but doesn’t question it.

“Yeah,” she sighs, leaning against him. “Less… prying eyes.”

“Well, at least  _ one _ pair less,” Finn mutters, unable to help himself. Clarke narrows her eyes at him and squirms uncomfortably in his lap.

“Finn, he’s just protective,” she defends, growing sick of the rivalry between the two. Finn lets out a low growl, taking the bottle from Clarke and taking a quick sip before setting it down.

“Protective cause of me?” His fingers tighten on Clarke’s hip. “What the fuck does he think I’m gonna do, hurt you?”

“Well you are right now!” she exclaims, extracting herself from his tightening grip. Upon standing up, her head spins. Drinking straight tequila was  _ not _ a good idea. “Finn- Finn I don’t feel good.” She grabs the railing as he stands up behind her, one hand on her waist. She turns to face him, feeling sick. “Finn this was a mistake- I want to go home.” 

“Fucks’ sake, Clarke,” Finn mutters, running a hand through his hair. “Are you kidding me? This was your idea! You’re the one who asked for a drink and then chugged straight tequila!”

“Finn, please, I just want to go home,” Clarke whimpers softly, holding her head. It’s all- it’s all too much. But Finn just glares at her, shaking his head. 

“Then find your own fucking way back,” he grumbles, grabbing the bottle of tequila and stomping back inside. Clarke feels like crying. She steps forward and stumbles, falling to her knees. She’s always been a lightweight and the tequila is making fast work of her. She pulls her knees to her chest and tucks her head down, hot tears slipping down her cheeks. She needs to get out of there- it’s all too much.

“Princess?” a low voice calls. Clarke doesn’t look up, just letting out a quiet whimper. “Oh god,  _ Clarke _ !” And then Bellamy is kneeling next to her, pulling her to him, and Clarke tries to hold on, she tries  _ so hard _ , but alcohol is racing through her and she’s slipping, slipping, slipping away. And then she’s weightless

-

Rage burns in Bellamy’s chest when he sees Finn pulling Clarke along, bottle of tequila in hand. He  _ must _ know she’s a lightweight, he has to. Bellamy almost goes after them before remembering the anger in Clarke’s eyes when she yelled at him. She doesn’t want his help. She’s a big girl now, she can take care of herself. 

“She’ll be ok, Bellamy,” Octavia says softly, setting a hand on his arm. He looks at her in surprise, he hadn’t even realized she was still there. 

“She shouldn’t be drinking,” he sighs. She nods, lips pursed. “She shouldn’t be here at all.”

“I’m not disagreeing with you, Bellamy. But Clarke’s going to do exactly what she wants and you sure as hell can’t stop her.”

“Yeah, I’m aware,” Bellamy mutters, running a hand through his curls. Then he notices how nervous his little sister looks, eyes not meeting his. “What’s up, O?”

“There’s, uh, there’s someone I want you to meet, Bell,” she says softly.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. My, um, my boyfriend,” she says nervously.

“ _ Oh? _ ”

“Bellamy before you freak, please just meet him. His name is Lincoln, he’s an art major, Clarke and Raven love him, he’s- he really  _ really _ loves me, Bell, I promise,” she rambles. Bellamy can’t help but grin, setting a hand on his sister’s shoulder, effectively shutting her up.

“O. You’re not a little girl anymore. I don’t know when or how it happened, but you’re a young woman. A brilliant,  _ strong _ young woman. And yeah, if this guy’s a dick I’m going to kick his ass. But what you said about Clarke applies to you too- you’re going to do exactly what you want and I sure as hell can’t stop you. I’d be happy to meet him.” Octavia’s face lights up and he allows her to pull him over to a tall, dark skinned man who breaks out in a smile when he sees her.

Lincoln is respectful and seems to truly love Octavia, though it bothers Bellamy how seemingly unintimidated he is by her older brother. The imposing stance and brooding stare usually works for him, but Bellamy can tell this one won’t scare easy. They’ve fallen into an easy conversation when Bellamy suddenly sees a red faced Finn storming through the crowd, headed straight for the bar. But that’s not what Bellamy notices. He notices how Clarke isn’t behind him, isn’t anywhere to be seen. So, without a word to Octavia or Lincoln, he’s off, darting through the crowd in the direction he saw them last disappear.

“Clarke?” he calls, searching through the crowds of people. “Clarke?!” 

“Think she’s on the fire escape, man,” someone slurs to him. He runs to the fire escape, freezing when he catches sight of Clarke. She’s pulled herself into a tight ball on the floor, forehead on her knees. Mercifully, no one’s bothering her, and Bellamy softly calls to her. She lets out a small whimper and that’s all it takes for him to run to her, pulling her to him with a hushed,

“Oh god,  _ Clarke _ .” She shows no sign that she heard him and he can literally feel her slipping away as she starts shaking harder. She’s crashing.  _ Hard _ . He needs to get her out of here  _ right now _ . So he scoops her up in his arms and heads back inside. No one questions or stops him as he bellows for them to clear the way, pushing through the crowd. 

“Bellamy?” Octavia asks, running up to him, eyes wide at Clarke’s state. “W-what happened?”

“Finn,” is all Bellamy can manage. “I need to get her out of here, O, take care of your idiotic friends, I’ll deal with her.” Octavia is nodding, and that's all the confirmation Bellamy needs that they’ll be fine without him. Clarke is his only priority right now.

-

When Octavia arrives home hours later, she finds Clarke passed out in her room and a note from Bellamy saying something came up and he needed to get back to Trikru. She should have known something was wrong, but she was too buzzed and exhausted to give it anymore thought. Maybe if she had she could have saved them all from the coming heartbreak. Probably not, but she would still blame herself for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE let me know what you think!!!


	14. ...if i had let my walls come down?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so late and shitty, I have been crazy uninspired to write this fic lately.   
> (I blame the sucky seventh season and my new Larry fic)

Clarke wakes up with a pounding headache and awful feeling settles deep in her chest. She looks to the side and sees two advils and a glass of water on the nightstand.  _ Bellamy _ . The thought of him draws a quiet whine from Clarke as memories from last night come rushing back to her.

_ “Bellamy,” Clarke whimpers, holding on to his shirt tightly as he gently sets her down on her bed. “Please don’t leave.” _

_ “Clarke...” Bellamy sighs, carefully pulling her hands off of him. Tears pool in Clarke’s eyes as she looks up at him. He looks upset with her. No, not upset. Disappointed. That’s somehow worse. _

_ “I’m sorry,” she whispers, closing her eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” _

_ “Damnit, Clarke,” Bellamy snaps. “Stop apologizing. How many times did I tell you he was a jackass? That you deserved better? Do you know what I fucking heard him say earlier? Do you know how much he  _ doesn’t give a shit _ about you? Cause I do. I’ve noticed. I’ve been noticing for months. Since you first met him. And god, I tried to warn you Clarke! But no, because he’s who you think you deserve but you’re  _ wrong _. You deserve so much better Clarke.” Bellamy’s watching her sadly and the pity in his eyes combined with the alcohol racing through her makes something in Clarke snap. She jumps to her feet and frowns up at Bellamy, feeling irrationally angry at him. _

_ “Well maybe it is what I fucking deserve, Bellamy!” she shouts at him. He blinks, taken aback. There are angry tears in Clarke’s eyes and her face is flushed from the alcohol. She’s a mess. “I mean, shit, at least Finn  _ wanted _ me! My own parents didn’t want me, but Finn did! So yeah, I put up with his shit! And guess what, Bellamy?! You’re not fucking in charge of me! I don’t even know why you care at this point- I’m not your fucking responisbility! So why don’t you go live your own fucking life and let me live mine! I don't need you!” The words are like a punch to the gut for Bellamy. Clarke is in his face, screaming at him. She’s drunk, he reminds himself, she doesn’t mean it. _

_ “Clarke, you’re drunk-” _

_ “Yeah and you won’t fuck off and leave me alone! I’m not a little girl, Bellamy, fucking leave me alone!” _

_ “Princess, you don’t mean this-” _

_ “Yes I fucking do! Leave, Bellamy! Just fucking go!” she screamed at him, shoving at his chest. And Bellamy does. _

“Oh god,” Clarke whispers, flopping over onto her back and throwing an arm over her eyes. “Oh god, oh fuck, I fucked up. I fucked up so bad.” And she did. So many different things. But as she runs over the list of things she needs to deal with, only one seems simple enough for the moment. So, with a groan, Clarke pushes herself up into a seated position and gulps down the advils. Her head still pounds, but she forces herself to stand up and stumble over to the dresser. She rifles through before quickly changing into a pair of comfy shorts and a sweatshirt.

Thankfully, she doesn’t pass anyone when leaving their apartment, or in the hall on the way to Finn’s. Then again, it’s 8 am on a Sunday morning. Clarke knocks softly on the door, but no one answers. So, with a deep breath, Clarke steels herself and opens the door. She needs to do this before she loses her nerve. Needs to apologize, to talk to him. Dax is passed out on the couch and Clarke ignores him as she walks over to Finn’s room, gently easing open the door, when it’s suddenly pulled from her grasp and she’s standing face to face with a very shirtless and hung over Raven. Clarke just stares in disbelief as Raven’s mouth drops open But before she can say a word, Clarke is spinning on her heel and tearing out of the apartment, not stopping till she’s in her own room, the door locked. Then she collapses sobbing on the bed, her heart aching for a million different reasons.

-

“Clarke!” Raven calls as she runs into the apartment. But Clarke’s door is slamming shut, and doesn’t seem like it’ll be opening any time soon. 

“What the  _ fuck _ ?” Octavia demands, stumbling out of her room, clearly woken by the commotion. Her eyes widen at Raven’s state- shirtless, hungover, and teary-eyed. “What happened?” Raven sits down on the couch, burying her head in her hands. Octavia, concerned now, rushes over to her friend. “Rae, what the hell happened?” Raven’s silent for a long moment, then looks up at Octavia.

“I slept with Finn.” Well. Raven never was one to tiptoe around something. Octavia jumps to her feet.

“You  _ what _ ?!”

“I. Slept. With. Finn.”

“You- what-  _ why _ ?!” Octavia shrieks.

“I don’t fucking know!” Raven snaps. “I was drunk and, shit Luna was with fucking  _ Lexa _ and the next thing I know I’m waking up in Finn’s bed! Then Clarke showed up and found me sneaking out and  _ shit _ !” Raven buries her head in her hands while Octavia gapes at her. “And now Clarke’s locked herself in her room.”

“I- what- wow, ok, I’m going to try and talk to Clarke. You should, um, go shower or something.” With that, Octavia turns and walks over to Clarke’s door, knocking lightly. “Clarke? Clarkey, babe, please come out and talk to me.”

“Go away, O,” Clarke calls through the door, voice thick with tears. 

“Clarke-”

“O I said go away!” Octavia flinches at the sharp tone, but stands her ground.

“I’m not leaving you Clarke,” Octavia insists, knowing what her best friend needs to hear. Clarke just scoffs.

“You should. At least Bellamy finally got the right idea,” Clarke mutters through the door. 

“Clarke, what do you mean?” Octavia asks softly, frowning. What did her idiot brother do now?

“He left, O. I screamed at him, and he  _ left _ ,” Clarke explains, and Octavia can hear the tears in her voice. “Please just leave me alone.”

Clarke stops answering after that, despite Octavia’s continuous efforts to reach her. So, Octavia does the only other thing she can think of.

“ _ Hello? _ ” a rough voice answers after several rings.

“What the  _ hell _ did you do last night?” Octavia all but growls into the phone. She’s out in the hall, not wanting Clarke to overhear as she yells at her idiotic brother. Bellamy sighs.

“ _ O, you weren’t there. She- she didn’t want me there _ ,” he explains.

“She was drunk and sad, Bellamy! She had a fucking panic attack like eight hours earlier! She didn’t know what the fuck she was saying,” she cries into the phone. How idiotic can these two be? Bellamy mutters something like ‘drunk words are just sober thoughts’ and Octavia scoffs. “Oh that is just a load of bullshit. You know what? It doesn’t even matter. You need to come out here.”

“ _ Not happening, O,” _ Bellamy replies.

“Finn just cheated on Clarke with Raven, so get over whatever issues you have and get the fuck over here,” Octavia orders angrily. Bellamy doesn’t say anything for a while. Then,

“ _ No. She was right last night. She’s an adult now, she can take care of herself. _ ” And then he hangs up. Octavia glares at the phone as if it personally offended her, in Bellamy’s place. She’s about to call him again to yell more when she sees Finn approaching her door. She runs to beat him there, blocking the entrance with her body.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” she demands, glaring up at him. He sighs, running a hand through his greasy hair. Octavia hates his hair. No, Octavia just hates  _ him _ . 

“I need to see Clarke.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Then I need to see Raven.”

“Wow! I cannot believe you,” Octavia says incredulously, shaking her head. “You’re not seeing either of them, you’ve done enough damage, Finn. Get the hell out of here.” Finn doesn’t budge. “Go!” Octavia shoves at him, pushing him back in the direction of his room. He glares at her.

“Can’t keep me from them forever, Octavia,” he warns, before slinking away like the snake he is. Octavia leans her head back against the door with a groan. How did it get to the point where  _ she _ is the responsible one in the group? She walks back into her room with a sigh, shooting the boys a text telling them to ‘get their scrawny asses over here asap’. She’s gonna need help to fix this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment they make me so happy!
> 
> Also check out my Larry fic if you're interested!!!


	15. i was just kidding myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is short and late AGAIN but I've been busy and uninspired :(  
> also, IMPORTANT!!!! i'm going camping for the next week so there probably won't be an update for a while. I'm sorry, but I PROMISE I will not give up on this fic or leave it open-ended.

Bellamy’s heart aches the second he hangs up, everything in him screaming at him to run to Clarke. But no, she told him to leave her alone. So that’s what he’ll do. Octavia said it was because Clarke was drunk and upset, but… Bellamy can’t help but wonder if she was right. If he’s messing up by not letting  _ her _ mess up. It’s just. He can’t help it. He wants to keep her safe and happy, no matter what he has to do for that to happen. He just pushed too far. And she snapped at him. She was fine until he said something. Until he reminded her of how he warned her. Bellamy presses the heels of his palms into his eyes, groaning. He fucked up. Bad, this time. But so did Clarke, and until she was ready to ask for help he needed to let her handle it. She is an adult now, after all. And she was never even his to begin with.

“Clarke?” Bellamy’s coworker and best friend, Murphy asks. Bellamy looks up at him with a quiet sigh, nodding. It’s a slow night, so to take the call Bellamy had just moved to one of the barstools. Murphy nods knowingly and slides a shot over to Bellamy.

“We’re on the job, Murph,” Bellamy reminds him with a raised eyebrow. Murphy shrugs.

“No one’s gonna care, and you sure as hell need it.” Well, Bellamy can’t exactly argue with him there. So he downs the shot, hissing at the burning of the alcohol in his throat. Murphy leans against the counter, watching Bellamy expectantly. “What is it this time? She ok?”

Murphy had been one of Bellamy’s closest friends since middle school, crashing on the Blake’s couch many nights. Better than being home. Shockingly, when Clarke entered the picture, Murphy really stepped up. He and Clarke found a strange kinsmanship in the other. They came from similar situations- they had fine home lives, well off and all, but their parents couldn’t give two shits about them and they didn't have anyone else. Bellamy and Octavia’s mom  _ cared _ she just wasn’t  _ capable _ . She did them a favor in leaving. It was days on end before Murphy’s parents even noticed he wasn’t at the house.

Clarke and him had a relationship that even Bellamy didn’t fully understand. It wasn’t the same as him and Clarke. It was even more sibling-like. Clarke was devastated when Murphy was shipped off to boarding school by his dad. But it was only for a year and a half, then Murphy was 18 and officially moved out, leaving boarding school without bothering to graduate. Besides Bellamy, Murphy is probably the best at getting through to Clarke when she was spiraling.

“I don’t know,” Bellamy admits now, sighing heavily. “Remember that dick she’s been dating?” The muscles in Murphy’s jaw tighten at the mention of Finn. Murphy shares Bellamy’s opinion regarding Finn. He was a lot more brazen with sharing them with Clarke, causing a slight rift in their relationship lately.

“Space dick?” That was Murphy’s affectionate nickname for Finn after Finn once declared he wanted to be an astronaut. Bellamy nods.

“Yeah, well last night we all went to a college party- shut up Murphy I was there to make sure no one did anything dumb- and some shit went down between them. Not sure what exactly, but Clarke was a mess. Earlier she had gotten a call from her mom and had an actual panic attack. I think they’ve been happening more than she’s letting on. But yeah, she was a mess so I took her back to her place and she kind of exploded at me. Screamed at me for helicopter parenting and shit.”

“And what was that call about?” Murphy asks. Bellamy can see the anger brewing in his eyes, but he wants all the details first.

“Octavia. Apparently, Finn and Raven hooked up and now Clarke’s barricaded herself in her room,” Bellamy finishes with a deep breath.

“Fuck,” Murphy mutters. “So what’re we gonna do?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit, Bellamy. She needs us- she needs  _ you _ ,” Murphy growls, pissed at his friend’s idiocy. Murphy’s had to watch Bellamy fall in love with this girl for ten years, and yet Bellamy still manages to shock him with just how dumb he can be.

“She doesn’t want my help, Murph. She wants me to back off, let her deal with it. So I’m gonna,” Bellamy says simply, sliding off the barstool and walking around to take his place behind the bar as a customer walks in. He flashes her a smile as she approaches, Murphy scowling as he goes to deal with another patron waving him down.

“What can I get you?” Bellamy asks, plastering on a fake smile.

“Gin margherita and maybe your number?” the woman asks with a confident grin. Bellamy chuckles at her forwardness, starting on the drink. Then he stops and looks at the woman. She’s beautiful- long brown hair and wide hazel eyes. 

“You know what? I’m actually off in 45 minutes. Can I interest you in a late dinner?” The woman looks pleased at Belllamy’s offer and nods as he hands her the drink. 

“Sounds like a plan…” her gaze darts to his nametag, “...Bellamy. I’m Echo, by the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed!! Please leave a comment below, I love them


	16. i hate you, but i was just kidding myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke answers a call from Abby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is angsty, unbetaed, and written at 2-3 am so I apologize in advance

Three days later, and they still haven’t been able to get to Clarke. She knows their schedules too well- only leaving when they all have classes or are asleep. She left her room once while Monty was awake, but simply ignored him, scurrying to the kitchen, grabbing a box of poptarts, and barricading herself in her room again. She just thanked god it wasn’t one of the others- Monty is too non-confrontational and understanding to force her to talk to him. She slammed the door shut again and sank down against it, burying her face in her hands and tossing the box of pop tarts to the side.

But then it happens.

On the fourth day of her avoiding everyone at all costs, Clarke’s mother calls her again. Clarke had deleted the first voicemail without listening to it, and ignores the second as well. But this time, her mom doesn’t stop. She calls again. And again. And  _ again _ . On the fifth consecutive call, Clarke caves and answers.

“What?” Clarke snaps. “What do you want Abby?”

“ _ Clarke _ ,” Abby says, sounding surprised her daughter picked up. “ _ You- you answered.” _

“You weren’t exactly giving me much of a fucking choice. You’ve got about five second till I hang up so what is it?”

“ _ Can we do this in person? I- I don’t want to tell you over the phone _ .” Clarke scoffs at that, shaking her head.

“No, Abby, tell me now or leave me alone,” Clarke demands. Abby sighs heavily, but she does what Clarke wants. Clarke goes numb, the phone falling from her hand to the bed beside her. She ignores Abby’s muted voice, her ears ringing. She feels tears welling in her eyes, a shattering sensation in her chest, an ache through her entire body.

And all she can think is-  _ I need Bellamy _ .  _ Bellamy _ . So, ignoring the fact it’s 9 at night and she’s wearing day old pajamas- sleep shorts and a tanktop- and she hasn’t spoken to him in almost 5 days, Clarke leaps to her feet, leaving the phone on the bed and tearing out of her room. She startles her friends, all watching some stupid rom-com outside. She ignores their shocked expressions, then their shouts for her as she grabs the keys to Raven’s car and runs out of the apartment without a word. 

She reaches the car before they reach her, not even caring that she’s  _ technically _ stealing Raven’s car as she drives through the campus. Tears start to blur her vision, and she swipes them away quickly, forcing herself to take a deep breath. She just wants Bellamy. The thought of him is all that keeps her from collapsing in on herself right then and there. 

The 20 minute drive is excruciatingly long, Clarke alternating from feeling blissfully numb to suddenly feeling like a freight train just crashed into her chest, stealing any breath from her lungs and forcing tears to streak down her cheeks. She doesn’t know how the hell it works, but thinking of Bellamy- of how when she shows up he’ll just take her in his arms and tell her it’s ok and hold her and let her cry until she falls asleep in his arms, safe with the one person she loves the most. Then when she wakes up he’ll make her hot chocolate and look at her with that concerned, loving look that is reserved for her and her only- it calms her, allows her to shove the tears down, to fold her grief into a neat little square and tuck it away until she can let go. 

A horrible 17 minutes later, she’s pulling up his driveway, jumping out of the car and running to the door, throwing it open as a broken sob tears itself from her throat, “Bellamy-” Clarke freezes, her blood running cold. The heartbroken cry catches with her breath in her throat.

Because Bellamy isn’t alone. He’s on the couch with a woman beside him, happily tucked into his chest as they kiss. Bellamy jerks up at Clarke’s intrusion, his expression turning from annoyed, to angry, to confused, to worried, and finally… apologetic. He jumps to his feet, his confused date orienting herself as she turns, confused and annoyed at the interruption.  _ She’s beautiful _ , Clarke thinks dully.

“Clarke?” Bellamy is asking, his focus entirely on her now and his voice gently. “Clarke, what are you doing here?” And what  _ is _ she doing here? Why has she come running to Bellamy, especially with what’s happened between them lately. How could she think she could just turn up on his doorstep and everything would be alright.

“I- I don’t- I- I’m sorry,” Clarke stammers, before turning tail and running into the night.

-

“Clarke!” Bellamy shouts, moving to follow her. Echo stops him with a hand on his wrist, holding him there. 

  
“Bellamy what the  _ hell _ ?” Echo demands, frowning deeply at the scene she just witnessed.

“I- shit- I have to go after her.  _ Shit _ !”

“ _ No _ , Bellamy you need to explain what the fuck is going on,” Echo insists, but Bellamy is already pulling himself away, running after Clarke. She hadn’t made it far, not far at all. She’s collapsed to her knees in the front yard, clutching her arms around herself as she keels over, everything suddenly becoming too much as sobs wrack her body, heart-wrenching cries that cause Bellamy’s chest to constrict as he runs to her, dropping to his knees in front of her and gently taking her tear-streaked face in his hands, making her look at him, more worried now than he thought was possible. 

“Clarke, Clarke can you hear me? What happened, Princess, where does it hurt?” Bellamy demands, frantically scanning her for visible injuries, blood, any sign for what’s wrong. But Clarke just shakes harder, leaning into him. Taking the hint, he pulls her to him, cradling her against his chest as she cries.

“H-he-” Clarke starts, hiccuping through her sobs. Bellamy’s heart drops. If Finn hurt her he swears to god- “He’s  _ dead _ .” Wait,  _ what _ ?

“Who, Princess? What are you talking about?” 

“Jake,” she cries brokenly. “My dad he- he- he’s  _ gone _ .” And  _ oh _ . Shit. Bellamy tightens his arms around the sobbing girl, every cry like a stab to the heart. 

“Come on Princess, we need to get you inside,” Bellamy murmurs because really, what else can he do? She just shakes, hysteria taking over as she lets go, safe in Bellamy’s arms. So Bellamy scoops her up, carries her past a shell-shocked Echo and into the house. He goes straight to the couch, sitting down still holding Clarke, who’s clutching his shirt desperately, face buried in his chest. She’s having an attack. She’s hysteric. And there’s genuinely nothing Bellamy can do to help her. 

Echo walks back in, confused and concerned beyond belief because  _ what the hell _ ?! Bellamy doesn’t even notice her, petting the blonde girl’s head and whispering to her as he holds her, gently rocking them. 

“Bellamy what-” Echo starts, but she’s cut off instantly.

“Call Murphy and tell him to get the fuck over here right now, tell him it’s Clarke.”

“Wh-what-”

“Call Murphy and  _ leave _ Echo, I’m sorry,” Bellamy snaps, never looking up from the girl- Clarke- in his arms. Echo’s never heard him so serious, so forceful, so with a quick nod, she grabs her phone and jacket and, with a final glance at the pair, leaves, already pulling up Murphy’s number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know what you think!


	17. take my hand and i'll pick you up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what this is....
> 
> ok so i'm out of lyrics so i'm starting a game- if you can guess the song the title comes from you get a shoutout in the next post. I dunno. Might be fun. Also I love my music so :))))))  
> (no cheating!!!!)

Less than thirty minutes later, the door is slamming open, accompanied by a frantic, “Where is she?” as Murphy rushes inside, eyes frantic. They settle on Clarke, who’s sleeping fitfully in Bellamy’s arms, instantly and he’s at her side before Bellamy can get a word out. “What happened? Is she ok? Is she hurt? Did Finn-”

“ _ Murphy _ ,” Bellamy cuts him off sharply, voice low. “She- Jake is dead.” There’s no way to be gentle about this, but Bellamy’s blunt approach still catches Murphy off guard. 

“Oh  _ fuck _ ,” he whispers, gently rubbing Clarke’s arm. 

“Yeah. I don’t know what happened- suddenly she just showed up here. Found me and Echo on the couch and totally freaked. Had a fucking panic attack in the yard. Carried her in here and let her cry ‘til she passed out,” Bellamy murmurs, gently stroking her hair. He looks up at Murphy, unshed tears shining. There’s nothing he can do for her and that hurts more than anything. “You mind taking her while I call O?”

Murphy swallows thickly but nods, “Yeah. Yeah, of course.  _ Shit _ .” Murphy gently lifts Clarke up a little to give Bellamy room to slip out before taking his place, easing Clarke into his side. Even unconscious, some part of her recognizes him and she lets out a quiet whimper, nuzzling into him. Murphy holds her tighter.

“You’re alright, Griffin. You’re ok. You’re a badass, remember?” The sound of his voice seems to soothe her, the lines in her face relaxing and a small huff escaping her lips. Bellamy shoves aside the small twinge of jealousy he feels at the affectionate display. Murphy doesn’t even notice him leave, still murmuring to Clarke. Bellamy closes the door quietly, pulling out his phone. He has a grand total of 17 missed calls between Clarke’s friends, O, and Echo. He takes a deep breath before calling his sister.

_ “Is she there? _ ” Octavia demands instantly, answering on the second ring.

“Yeah, she’s here. It’s not good, O,” he adds.

“ _ What the hell happened? _ ”

“Jake died,” Bellamy says, his voice hollow. 

“ _ Oh my god. We- we’re gonna call an Uber. We’re on our way _ ,” she says, an almost frantic edge to her voice. Bellamy sighs, rubbing a hand over his face.

“No, I’ll come get you,” he says. “Murphy’s here. Maybe he can get Clarke to talk to him.” What Bellamy  _ doesn’t _ add is that him coming to get them gives Clarke an extra 20 minutes before being swarmed. Octavia agrees, telling him to hurry his ass up before ending the call. Bellamy sighs again and walks back inside. This was  _ not _ how he saw the night going.

“Hey,” Murphy says softly, his chin resting on the top of Clarke’s head. 

“I’m gonna go get Octavia and the others. Try and uh, try and talk to her before we get back. Don’t want her to be totally overwhelmed,” Bellamy explains. Murphy just nids slightly, movement limited with his position. Bellamy doesn’t  _ want _ to go, doesn’t want to leave Clarke. But murphy’s going to be able to get through to her better right now, and Bellamy knows that. He may not entirely understand their relationship, but he knows enough to know she’s going to need him right now.

So, with a last, long look, he grabs his keys and leaves them curled up on his couch. Murphy will take care of it. Of  _ her _ .

-

“Griffin, c’mon,” a voice huffs, amused. Clarke just lets out a quiet whine and turns her face further into the warm chest she’s leaning against. She’s not sure who it is yet, just knows it’s someone she’s safe and  _ comfortable _ with. It takes a few more seconds to recognize the voice as Murphy’s and she pulls back a little, blinking up at him. He smiles sadly at her. “Mornin.”

“It’s dark out.” Murphy smirks, shaking his head. “What happened?”

“Feel like I should be asking you that, kiddo.”

“My- my dad died,” she says, the words sending a shudder through her. Murphy nods, one hand now combing through her hair. “And I came to see Bellamy, but then-”

“He was with Echo,” Murphy supplies.

“Who is she?”

“Some girl he’s gone out with a couple times. Tonight was literally their second date,” he explains. Clarke winces.

“God I can’t believe I did that- I completely fucked up his night. And hers. And  _ yours _ . And I  _ stole _ Ravens car, and-”

“Hey,” Murphy interrupts gently, seeing her tipping over into hysteria. “Look at me.” She meets his eyes. “It’s  _ fine _ . It’s all absolutely  _ fine _ , Clarke. You just found out your dad died, you’re allowed to freak out. You’re actually being insanely ok.”

“I- I feel like I should be upset,” she admits. “Like I should feel  _ something _ . But I'm just… numb. Does that make me a horrible person?”

“No, kid. You’re probably kind of in shock. The grief will come later. You’re just…” he searches for the right word, “processing.”

“Doing a pretty shit job of it,” she mutters. “I just- Abby wouldn’t stop calling. So I answered and she just  _ said _ it. The rest is kind of a blur.” She shifts so she’s leaning onto him, her head resting against his shoulder with his arm around her.

“I know,” Murphy says softly. And he does. He went through a similar thing when he found out his dad had died, officially leaving him an orphan. Of course, it was a different situation. His dad was worse than either of Clarke’s parents. But he was still his  _ dad _ . Murphy’s coping had a lot more swearing and punching and drinking. Hopefully Clarke can manage better. Hopefully Murphy can help her.

“When are the others getting here?” she asks softly. He raises an eyebrow at her and her lips twitch up in a weak smirk. “Please. As if they’d stay away. They wouldn’t give me space even if I asked.” Clarke feels Murphy’s laugh as much as she hears it, a deep rumbling against her back. 

“Bellamy went to pick them up. They’ll be here in probably 30 minutes. You wanna talk about it before they get here?” he offers. Clarke chews on her lip, contemplating. Then she shakes her head.

“No, I’m not even sure what there is to talk about. All I know is he’s gone. I suppose I’ll have to call Abby tomorrow and find out like… what happened.”

“No, you don’t. There’s no reason you need to talk to her. One of us will do that,” Murphy insists. Clarke doesn’t argue with him.

“Do you think you could, um, can you just talk? I haven’t seen you in a while. What’s new with your life?” Murphy chuckles again.

“Not anything too exciting to share, kiddo,” he says. She shrugs.

“I could use some boring.”

“Whatever you want, Griffin,” he concedes. So he does. He talks about work, about the last show he was watching. About everything and nothing at once, just giving her something else to focus on, something to fill the silence. Just what she needed. 

-

By the time the others get back, Clarke has drifted off again, into a more peaceful sleep. Without a word they all take their places around her, Octavia on her other side with Raven beside her. Jasper steals the chair, kicking Monty away when he tries to join them. Bellamy settles himself on the ground in front of Clarke, leaning back against the sofa. 

Murphy quietly fills them in on everything that Clarke told her, which, albeit, isn’t much. Then Jasper takes the remote and turns on the TV, selecting Netflix. They watch it quietly until, one by one, they drift off. That’s how Clarke wakes a couple hours later, to Chandler screaming about a man-bracelet and her friends all huddled around her. She feels an overwhelming surge of gratitude for the family they’ve made. She doesn’t know what she would have done without them, what she would do now if she didn’t have them. 

This is the family she  _ chose _ . The family that’s going to get her through this. She sinks back against Murphy with a content sigh, easily falling back asleep, surrounded by the people she loves more than anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!!!  
> And try and geuss the song ;)


	18. Before You Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I know I haven't posted in a while. Honestly, I just lost all interest in this show and this ship when Jason completely ruined it. So this is now the finale for this fic. I had more planned, but just don't have the motivation to write it. I might come back some day and write a Part Two, make it a series, but for now I'm done. Thank you all so much for sticking with me through this, I appreciate it more than you can possibly know. 
> 
> This is dedicated to Abby, Mena, Naiara, and all my amazing readers
> 
> oh and also m31amanda for guessing last chapter's song!!

True to his word, Murphy ensures Clarke doesn’t have to see Abby. Instead, the next day he and Raven ( _ that’s a terrifying duo _ , Clarke had thought) left after they all had breakfast and came back 40 minutes later with news. Jake’s funeral is next Saturday at the local church. It’ll be small, just family and friends. Since Jake had only ended up settling down a two hour drive away, it’s going to be in Trikru. He grew up here, had a whole life here. He only lived in Shadow Valley for seven years. So anyone from there that wanted to come to the funeral is going to drive up and pay their respects. The thought of meeting and talking to people from Jake’s new life makes Clarke feel sick to her stomach and she swallows hard.

“You don’t have to deal with them, Princess,” Bellamy says quietly, squeezing her hand. They’re all sitting in the living room, the Blakes flanking Clarke with Jonty sharing the armchair, Raven beside Octavia and Murphy pacing in front of the coffee table as he explains everything. “We’re all going to be there and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” Clarke just nods, staring at her and Bellamy’s intertwined hands. 

“I-” Clarke sighs, closing her eyes. “I feel like I should be more upset. Like I should be crying or angry or  _ something _ . But… I don’t. I just feel  _ numb _ .” She meets Bellamy’s gaze, eyes glassy with tears. “Does that make me a horrible person?”

“No,” Octavia says firmly, jaw set. “He left you, Clarke. For ten years. You don’t owe him anything.”

“He’s still my dad, O,” Clarke whispers. 

“Of course he is. But he’s also a dick who left you alone with your mom. He didn’t even try to reach out! I don’t even know why you’re going to his funeral!”

“ _ Octavia _ ,” Bellamy cuts in, his voice hard. Octavia snaps her mouth shut, but the fire burns behind her eyes. Jake hurt Clarke in one of the worst ways possible, and as far as Octavia’s concerned he’s been dead for ten years already. Bellamy shakes his head and looks to Clarke. “She’s right. Blunt, but right. You don’t have to go to the funeral, and you certainly don’t owe him anything.” But Clarke shakes her head.

“No, I do. I have to go. Not for him, for me,” she says, her voice firm. She doesn’t have to explain why. They all know. Clarke never got closure when Jake left. She never heard from him again after that night. She needs this.

“Ok but if Abby even  _ looks _ at you I’m pushing her into the empty grave,” Octavia states matter-of-factly, earning a quiet laugh from Clarke. 

“I’m gonna go let all our professors know what’s going on and that we won’t be back to class til next week,” Monty says, standing up.

“Oh, no, you don’t have to do that. You guys should all go back, I can’t ask you to miss a whole week for me. I’ll be fine-”

“Yeah right. We’re not going anywhere. I’ll help you, Monty,” Raven offers, rolling her eyes at Clarke.

“But-”

“No buts,” Octavia interrupts sternly. “We’re all here for you, and if you think you’re getting rid of us then you really haven’t been paying attention babe. I’ll go make popcorn.” Octavia pats Clarke’s knee before going to the kitchen, leaving no room for argument.

“God, Abby is such a  _ bith _ ,” Murphy grumbles, plopping down next to Clarke and rubbing a palm over his jaw.

“Duh,” Jasper pipes up, unhelpfully. Murphy glares at him and he just shrugs. “We been knew, get with the program Murphy.” Murphy stares at him, beyond confused. Jasper rolls his eyes and stands up with a huff. “I’m gonna go make sure Monty and Raven aren’t telling our profs I have chlamydia this time.” Murphy blinks, shaking his head like he can’t quite believe what he just heard. Clarke grins ruefully and sighs.

“You don’t want to know,” she assures him.

“You got some weird fucking friends, kid.”

“You love them and you know it,” Clarke laughs, nudging him. Then she smirks, here eyes glinting mischievously. “Especially Raven.” Murphy snorts, rolling his eyes. “Oh please! I’ve seen the way you look at her.”

“Mind your own business twerp.”

“She’s one of my best friends and you’re practically my brother, Murph. Pretty sure this qualifies as my business.”

“You into Rae, Murphy?” Bellamy teases. Murphy glares at him and Bellamy shrugs. “Hey I’m not judging.”

“Yeah cause you can’t,” Clarke exclaims, slapping his chest. Bellamy groans, throwing his head back.

“That was  _ one night _ and we were both shit drunk, let it  _ go _ .”

“You and raven?” Murphy asks, almost incredulous.

“They got black-out drunk last year and ended up making out,” Clarke explains. “It was awful.” Murphy lets out a loud laugh as Clarke grins. Bellamy glares at them and stands up. 

“I’m gonna make sure O doesn’t set the kitchen on fire again,” he grumbles, ignoring their laughs as they follow him into the kitchen. As soon as he’s gone, Murphy fixes Clarke with an expectant look, his eyebrow raised.

“What?” 

“When’re you gonna tell him?” Murphy asks casually, as if it’s no big deal. Clarke frowns.

“Tell who what?” Murphy scoffs.

“C’mon Clarke. You guys are so gone for each other. Have been for years. You gotta tell him, kid.” Murphy leaves before Clarke can answer, probably to go find Raven. Clarke leans back into the couch with a heavy sigh. 

It’s not the first time Murphy has brought up her and Bellamy’s relationship, and he’s not alone. Everyone’s commented on it. Octavia’s been teasing Clarke about her crush since they were fifteen. But Clarke refuses to accept it. She  _ can’t _ like Bellamy. She can’t risk losing what they have.

-

That’s how their week goes- lounging around, watching movies, eating junk food. There are times that the grief finally hits Clarke, but it never lasts long, not with her friends there to cheer her up almost effortlessly. Not with Bellamy there to hold her until she calms down.

It’s Friday night when it happens.

Clarke can’t sleep. The others fell asleep long ago, drifting off one by one while the movies played in a continuous string. Bellamy was last to fall asleep, about an hour ago. And now the end credits to Pirates Of The Carribean are rolling, leaving Clarke to be enveloped by a deafening silence and painful darkness. With a shiver, she extricates herself from the tangle of bodies and pads to the kitchen, wrapping her arms around herself. They’ve all been sleeping together in the living room all week. Clarke’s never been so grateful for her friends.

She pulls out a saucepan and the milk to make hot chocolate, yawning into the sleeve of her sweatshirt as she turns on the stove. As the milk starts heating up, she hunts in the pantry for chocolate. Murphy and Raven did a shopping trip on Monday, getting all the junk food necessities. They might’ve went just a  _ bit _ overboard, but Clarke wasn’t about to complain. Clarke grins as she finds a bar of Hersheys, returning to the stove as she unwraps it. Breaking off a piece to eat, she begins breaking up the rest to melt into the milk. 

She jumps, yelping as she drops the rest into the pan with a splash when hands land on her hips, a chin resting on her shoulder. Bellamy. Clarke lets out a breath, pressing a hand to her racing heart.

“Shit, don’t  _ do _ that, Bell,” she gasps, elbowing his ribs lightly. Bellamy just hums sleeping, wrapping his arms around her waist, almost leaning on her entirely now. “Bell,” Clarke huffs, squirming in his grip. She feels his smirk on the skin of her neck and an unbidden shiver races down her spine.

“Make me some?” he mumbles, curls tickling Clarke’s ear. She rolls her eyes.

“Only if you let me go so I can get the milk and chocolate.” Bellamy sighs heavily but releases her, leaning back against the counter as Clarke grabs more ingredients. He watches as she works, taking in the way the sleeves of her sweatshirt are long enough to give her sweater paws as she adds the extra ingredients, how the loose strands of hair fall from her bun and into her face, how her bottom lip catches between her teeth as she works. 

God, he’s so far gone for this girl. Probably has been since the day Octavia brought her home, 15 years ago. He always knew he loved Clarke, but it wasn’t until she graduated and left for college he realized he was  _ in love _ with her. Apparently, everyone else had known for years. Octavia’s response was “Yeah no shit, so what’re you gonna do about it?” As it turned out, nothing. Because then Clarke found Finn and she seemed happy with him. Bellamy had a few girlfriends over the years, but it didn’t take them long to realize his heart wasn’t into it. There were a few friends with benefits, but no real relationships lasted long.

Echo had called him the next day. It was short and to the point, a simple “You’re in love with her.” It hadn’t been a question, and Bellamy hadn’t tried to tell her she was wrong.

“I’m sorry,” he had said. 

“Don’t be,” she told him. “Call me if it doesn’t work out.” And that was that.

Bellamy snaps out of his thoughts as Clarke holds a mug of hot cocoa out to him. He takes it with a grin, glancing down to make sure she put marshmallows in. Clarke rolls her eyes with a sigh.

“Yes I put marshmallows in,” she assures him, hopping up onto the counter beside him and cradling her own cup. 

“Just checking, Princess. Thank you.” Clarke just hums in response, taking a sip of her cocoa. Then she sets it down beside her, chewing on her bottom lip as she watches him. 

“Bellamy?” she starts, voice slow and hesitant.

“Yeah Princess?” He tilts his head to meet her eyes, an unreadable expression swimming in their blue depths. 

“I… I think I’m in love with you,” she whispers, so quiet Bellamy’s not entirely convinced he didn’t imagine it.

“What?” he asks, hushed. He sets down his cup. Panic flashes across Clarke’s face and she moves to jump off the counter, probably to run away. Bellamy stops her with a hand on either side on her, caging her in place.

“I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t have said that I-”

“Clarke,” Bellamy interrupts, voice low. “Say it again.”

“Bellamy-”

“Please, I just need to know for sure. Please.” Clarke visibly swallows, then takes Bellamy’s jaw in her hand, looking straight into his eyes. 

“I’m in love with you,” she says again, her voice firmer this time. That’s all Bellamy needs to surge forward, pressing his lips to hers as his hands from her sides, one going to her waist and the other holding her neck, his thumb on her jaw. She wraps her arms around his neck, her ankles lock behind his back as she responds to his kiss. They break apart after a few more moments, foreheads resting against each other, breathing heavily as they lock eyes. 

“Sorry,” Bellamy whispers. “Couldn’t help myself.” Clarke grins.

“Don’t be,” she replies, tilting her lips to his for another quick kiss.

“I love you too, just for the record,” Bellamy murmurs. Clarke laughs, eyes twinkling and cheeks flushed.

“Good. Otherwise this would be  _ very _ awkward.” Bellamy can’t help the dopey grin from spreading across his lips as he leans in for another slow kiss. Yeah, he could definitely get used to this.

-

No one barely bats an eye when Bellamy and Clarke kiss the next morning at breakfast, Bellamy standing behind her as she washes plates. The most they get are raised eyebrows and a grumbled “About damn time,” from Octavia. 

Because really, it’s not that different. They’re still Bellamy and Clarke, like they always have been. Just now they can kiss and cuddle even more without earning strange looks. Later, Octavia and Raven of course grill Clarke for details and the full story, which she provided with a blush and “dopey love look” as Octavia told her.

-

The funeral, as promised, is a small affair. Only a few people from Shadow Valley made the trip, and everyone else are Jake’s family and friends from Trikru. Bellamy stays attached to Clarke’s side the whole time, fielding conversations and making excuses so Clarke doesn’t have to deal with interacting with people. He holds her when it finally hits her, the grief crashing over her in waves that leave her gasping for breath, face tear-streaked. 

The others are there too, distracting friends and relatives to keep them away from Clarke, and making sure Abby stays as far away as possible. By the time the service is over and they’re on the way to the burial, Clarke feels she has no tears left to cry as she tucks herself into Bellamy’s side in the back of Raven’s car. 

“Almost done, Princess,” Bellamy murmurs. “It’s almost over.” She just nods into his chest and lets him hold her. 

Turns out, she has a few more tears to spare as they lower the casket into the ground. Bellamy hugs her tight as she sniffles into his jacket. 

“Um, excuse me?” A quiet voice asks from behind her. Clarke groans inwardly but sniffs and wipes the tears off her cheeks. “Clarke?”

“Sorry, she’s not really in the mood to talk right now,” Bellamy rumbles from above her. Clarke swallows thickly and removes herself from his hold, taking his hand as she turns to face the mourner, forcing a watery smile onto her face. She frowns slightly. Standing in front of her is a young girl, no more than 14 or 15 with dark hair and crystal blue eyes.

“I know, I just need a minute, please,” the girl asks, eyes bright with unshed tears. Clarke squeezes Bellamy’s hand reassuringly.

“Of course,” she says quietly. Cause no, she’s not going to turn away a child, even if it is this strange girl who somehow seems to know her dad. “How can I help you?”

“Um,” the girl takes a deep breath, clearly nervous as she meets Clarke’s gaze. “My name is Madi. I’m Jake’s daughter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that was a good enough ending for you all!!! Like I said, I might come back eventually and continue it, but for now my baby's finally done. Please leave a comment and let me know what you thought! All the love, Talia <3


End file.
